DH stayed home to work on his presentation that was to take place in the early afternoon. I don't carry my cell phone with me when I am at home and at one point I picked it up and looked at it and noticed that I had missed a call from Dr. Rhode. I'm not sure why she called my cell phone because on Friday she had contacted me on my home phone several times. She left a message on my cell phone informing me that the results from the liver biopsy were consistent with a metastatic tumor caused by ovarian cancer. I now have the official diagnosis of Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.

When I first heard that this is what I might have I did a little bit of looking on the internet and then decided that that wasn't a good thing to do. Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer is not curable. Once it has left the abdominal cavity through the blood stream, it can be anywhere in my body and impossible to totally cure. The doctors are very optimistic about my recovery because I am young and healthy, but it is something that will have to be constantly monitored for the rest of my life. The doctors at Huntsman said that people with the BRCA-1 mutation gene typically respond better to chemotherapy than those without the mutation so that works in my favor, but it is also most likely the reason that I have this disease at such a young age. They are confident that the chemotherapy will quickly shrink the tumors that I have and that there is a very good chance of a successful surgery to remove the tumors once I am finished with my third cycle of chemo treatment. We are looking at around the first two weeks of December for my surgery, provided everything goes well up to that point. After my third chemo cycle I will have a CT scan of my abdomen to make sure that things look good for surgery and then we will proceed from there.

This has all been hard to come to grips with. Aside from the occasional pain I get on my left side, I feel completely healthy! I've tried my whole life to refrain from things that I don't think are good for my body. All of my kids were born with natural, drug-free births and the last 5 were born at home! I rarely take medicine for anything. It seems so wrong that I have these tumors growing inside of me and if I don't do anything about them they will kill me! I have so much to live for and such young kids! I keep thinking that this is all some bad dream that I need to wake up from. It's shocking how much the course of my life has changed in just a month!

Meeting with my cancer team at Huntsman Cancer Institute. It feels a little weird meeting there when I don't have the results from the liver biopsy yet. My oncologist said she would call me with the results as soon as she heard, probably within a day or two of the biopsy. We had my cell phone out through the whole appointment hoping that we would get a call from her while we were there. Unfortunately we didn't. The meeting was really lengthy and involved. We received a ton of information and handouts, even a 3-ring binder with lots of information as well. They went over the information they had received from my oncologist at St. Mark's Hospital (Dr. Rhode) and went over the results as they saw them. One of the tests that I wasn't told the result of was a blood test called CA-125. This is a test for a specific marker in the blood that is consistent with ovarian cancer. The normal results are 35 and under, my number was over 5000... The medical team was pretty sure that I had cancer, but until the official results of the biopsy we would not move forward with any treatment. They discussed with us the clinical trial that they are currently conducting, but even without participating in the trial I would still have the option of receiving the same treatment. The trial basically consists of the patients being treated for ovarian cancer to be divided into two groups. The first group receives the standard chemo treatment every three weeks. The second group receives the same treatment, but one of the drugs is divided up and a third of the dose given each week, instead of all at once every three weeks. The study will monitor the side-effects experienced by the two groups to try and make a decision on which treatment is better overall, taking into account the quality of life and the effectiveness of the treatment in treating the cancer. Also as a part of this study you can opt to receive a third drug during your infusion which is an antibiotic to specifically target the blood supply to the cancerous tumors and kill them off and prevent them from forming. This drug is offered free of charge through this study and if the side-effects are too severe, you can choose to opt out of this at any time. They sent us home with all of the information and told us to call back with our decision after we get the results from the biopsy.

Another thing that they mentioned to us was the possibility of having a port-a-cath implanted in my chest so that I can have blood drawn through there and receive the chemo infusions through it instead of being poked in the arm each time. The weird part was that before they came in to talk to us DH was joking to me about possibly having something permanently installed in my arm so I wouldn't have to keep getting poked. They gave me a handout about it and talked about the advantages of it and that it is all under the skin so all you really see is a slightly raised circle where they would attach the needle each time (and you numb it up beforehand so you don't feel any of it).

All of this was somewhat overwhelming! They even gave me a catalog of hats, scarves and wigs to look through for when my hair falls out (typically 2-4 weeks after the first chemo treatment). The girls were quite interested in looking through the magazine to help me pick out a wig. The synthetic wigs are surprisingly cheap - only about $45 for a shoulder-length hairstyle. I really can't see myself wearing scarves, but there are some really cute hats in the magazine.

CT guided liver biopsy today at St. Mark's Hospital. It's sad when the receptionist at the outpatient desk recognizes you when you come in. This is my third day in the last week that I have been through here... There was a little bit of confusion at first on the test I was there to have done. Apparently the lab didn't inform someone that I was coming in so they weren't quite ready for me at first. Finally they took me back and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors to monitor my vital signs and had me sign all kinds of consent forms. With this method of biopsy they numbed me up some, gave me some type of drug some that I would be conscious, but not really feel much. They did a CT scan of my liver so they could mark the spot where the tumor is located so they can position the needle in the correct spot. Once they marked the spot, they did another quick CT scan to make sure the positioning was right and then inserted a long needle just under my right breast, into the liver to extract some of the tumor cells. After that I was taken back to the recovery room to be monitored for about the next 4 hours. They brought me a turkey sandwich and some soup for lunch since I had been able to eat yet at all since midnight. Unfortunately as it got close to my dismissal time, my left hip and leg started really hurting again. I tried changing my position a little, but could only move so much with everything I was hooked up to. The nurse noticed the pain I was in and had been left with instructions that she could give me some pain medication. So I agreed to take some and then I was free to go. We got home early afternoon.

With all of the drugs that were put into my system for the liver biopsy we decided that I needed to not breastfeed MJ at all that day and night until everything was out of my system. It was really hard because she loves the comfort that comes from her feedings. DH got her to bed that night and then got up with her when she woke up in the middle of the night. She was not at all happy to see him! He took her downstairs and forced some milk from a cup into her. Finally after struggling with her he managed to get her calmed down and then he put her back to bed. She immediately started screaming and cried probably for a good hour or so before she finally went back to sleep. Amazingly Kay and the other kids sleeping next door somehow slept through all of it.

Go to St. Mark's hospital for the chest CT scan and breast MRI. No eating or drinking after midnight for the CT scan, but luckily I don't have to drink the barium drink again. For the MRI I had to wear clothes with no metal on them anywhere - no zippers, snaps, buttons, jewelry, etc. The CT scan was pretty easy and straight forward and quick. They put in an IV and then left it in so they could use the same one for the MRI. The tech put some tape over it so it would't come out and later I had some nice cuts in my arm from the tape cutting into my skin... The breast MRI was quite the experience. I had to lay down on the table face down and I wasn't allowed to move for the duration of the scan - about 25 minutes. They put earplugs in my ears and then ear muffs over that to protect my ears from the noises during the MRI. It was still pretty loud even with all of that protection. They don't let you listen to music and they don't talk to you at all during the procedure because they have found that it causes people to move more or get anxious if the techs haven't talked to them in a while. My biggest fear during the scan was that my abdomen or leg would start hurting during it and that I wouldn't be able to stand the pain during the procedure. Luckily I did fine during it and only got a little panicky at one point when I kept thinking about all of the implications of what I was currently enduring. The frustrating part about the MRI is that there is no way to tell how much time has gone by. I was just laying there hoping that we were getting close to finishing, but no way to tell at all!

My parents have been great with being there to help out with the kids during all of this. M&M had the day off of school and when we got home from the hospital the kids and my mom had finished putting up the rest of the Halloween decorations.

Later that afternoon we got a call from my oncologist saying that she had the results for the scans that day as well as the lab work from Wednesday. Finally she had some good news for me! The chest CT scan and breat MRI both looked just fine and my kidney and liver function tests all came back normal except for one for the liver - which can be caused by other factors such as breastfeeding. She also had been in contact with some cancer treatment groups in the area and found that I may qualify for a clinical trial at Huntsman Cancer Institute and she strongly recommended that I talk with the doctor in charge of the study to see if we would be interested in it. She also wanted to schedule a liver biopsy for me ASAP so we can get a definitive diagnosis on my condition before we move forward on a course of treatment. The oncologist sounded much more optimistic with the good test results and it definitely helped to improve my spirits.

I got a call not too much later letting me know what time to show up for my liver biopsy on Monday. They also gave me instructions for the procedure - stop taking any kind of ibuprofen or aspirin (Tylenol is okay), no eating or drinking after midnight Sunday night. I needed to show up at the hospital at 9:45 in the morning and to plan on being there most of the day - I will have to stay for observations for about 4 hours after the procedure to make sure there is no internal bleeding.

I also got a call from the Huntsman Cancer Institute asking us to come in Tuesday morning to meet with the Cancer team in charge of the clinical trial. I asked if there was any way we could meet on Wednesday instead, but with their schedules that was the only time that week they could get me in. DH had a research conference for work scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday of that week and he was doing a presentation during it. He was originally scheduled to present on Wednesday but when my surgery was scheduled for that day he contacted the organizer and asked if he could be moved to Tuesday instead... DH was out picking up the kids from their piano lessons so I called him as soon as I got off the phone with Huntsman. As soon as he got home, he checked the schedule for the conference and it looked like they still had him scheduled for Wednesday.

Sent DH to work because I was feeling fine and didn't have anything scheduled for the day. He had some people visiting the office from out of town and had missed them from the previous day because of my appointment. I got a call a little later that morning telling me that the oncologist wanted me to come in at noon that day. I asked what for and she said she didn't know. I called my mom to see if she could come and watch the kids for me and then called DH at work. He offered to come home to go with me to the oncologist, but I felt that I would be fine and could go on my own. I said a little prayer on the way over and felt a calm feeling that things would be okay.

When the oncologist called me back to meet with her, it was anything but good news. She told me that she had the results from the CT scan and the X-ray and she had been shocked by the findings. A large mass was found in my liver and the tumor on the ovaries is compressing one of my kidneys, limiting the outflow of it. I asked if the liver could be operated on and she said that the amount of liver affected is too large to remove without damaging the function of the liver. I asked if there was a chance that this was non-cancerous and she said there was a slight chance, but the results were consistent with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer - meaning that it has spread beyond the abdominal cavity through the blood stream. She mentioned that she had consulted with the other doctor in her practice as well as some other colleagues in the area and they all agreed that we needed to cancel the surgery and go straight to chemotherapy in the hopes of shrinking everything enough that they could operate successfully and even hopefully remove the mass in the liver.

She also said that they could not make out any semblace of an ovary on either side - the tumor is basically taking over everything. The doctor was also slightly concerned with my chest X-ray and wanted to order a breast MRI and a chest CT scan since they can both be done when breastfeeding. They also sent me to get some blood drawn to run some tests to check my liver and kidney function.

I actually did fine emotionally until the end. I just sat there across from the doctor and said, "I am healthy and strong. I feel fine. I'm 35 years old with 6 young kids. I just had a baby a little over a year ago. I just don't understand how this could be happening to me...". I was still able to keep myself composed until I left the hospital and got into my car to drive home. Then I noticed a text from my husband wanting to be updated on what was going on. I sent him a text and then he called and said he would meet me at home.

Once I got home I told my mom the update (and once again was able to stay composed). I told her that DH was on his way home so she could leave. Once DH came home I was pretty much an emotional wreck the rest of the day... Luckily our Primary President wisely postponed our presidency meeting scheduled for that evening and even brought over a dinner for our family!

Appointment with the Gynecological Oncologist. She was a really nice lady who seemed very optimistic about my recovery and options. We discussed the implications if it is cancer or not and then she did some examinations on me. She could feel the tumor, and was pleased that it seemed about to move around so it did not appeared to be anchored to anything major. We scheduled an abdominal CT scan and chest X-ray for later that day and then scheduled a surgery to remove the tumor for Wednesday of the following week. At this point things seemed very optimistic and positive.

After drinking 2 full bottles of barium, I was ready for the CT scan. I was given a choice of the flavors I could drink: vanilla, banana and berry flavor. I chose berry flavor, but when the lady checked she only had one berry flavor that was chilled so she gave me that and then she had me pick another flavor so I chose the vanilla (she said that the drinks taste much better when they are chilled). We ran home to check up with the family for a few minutes and grab some lunch for DH (I had to fast until after the scan). I thought that the vanilla flavor started out tasting okay but by the end I was having a hard time getting it down. I thought that the berry tasted much better, but still had a gross aftertaste. We then left to go to the imaging center, I had the chest X-ray first and then I had the CT scan. Then we went back home.

Our ward had an Activity Days Achievement Night for the 8-11 year old girls and I tried attending it with DH and Blondie, but I started feeling really awful once we got there and the room was super hot - I was afraid I was going to pass out. I ended up leaving not too long into the meeting and the Primary President came up to DH afterwards and asked him if I was alright, so he filled her in on what was going on with my health as we knew it at the time. DH gave permission for the Primary President to inform the Bishop and Relief Society President, who both called DH later that evening.

At this point we didn't want to share the news with too many people until we had all the facts and questions answered as far as my diagnosis and the treatment I would need. We have told the kids that there is something growing inside of me that shouldn't be there (the tumor) so the doctors are going to perform surgery to remove it. Depending on how involved the surgery ends up being, I will be in the hospital overnight for at least one night and possibly up to three or four. Not looking forward to that at all...

Met with the OB/GYN again today. I had to wait a little while because he was at a delivery in the hospital next door. He had very concerning news to give me and had a hard time getting it out. They found a tumor on my left ovary and it is fairly substantial in size. Based on the ultrasound report it had fluid in it as well as some vascular portions that were concerning. He also said that the blood test had elevated levels that could indicate cancer - but could also be a result of other things. He then encouraged me to get an appointment with a gynecelogical oncologist because studies have shown that if this is cancer, the outcome is much improved if treated by a specialist.

He sent me back out to the receptionist to set up an appointment with a specialist ASAP. He recommended a group that works out of St. Mark's, so once we found that my insurance covers them I set up an appointment for the following Tuesday (the soonest they could get me in).

I was pretty okay emotionally at this point, but once I got back to my car I had a little cry before I headed back home. My husband was already home whe I got there and he jokingly said to me, "So, you've got cancer?". Unfortunately that was not the right thing to say at the time, so I naturally broke out in tears...

Came home from driving someone somewhere and had a message on the answering machine from the OB/GYN. He wants me to come into the office to discuss the results of the ultrasound. At this point I still think it is just routine. I don't feel nervous about having to go back in - just a little annoyed that they won't just give me the results over the phone. I call the office back and make an appointment for the following day.

Ultrasound today. I seriouly felt like calling and canceling the appointment because I have felt fine since I met with the OB/GYN. They had me drink a ton of water before the appointment and I was just about ready to burst before hey finally called me back for the ultrasound. The tech started with the standard ultrasound on my abdomen, then she thankfully let me use the restroom, followed by an internal ultrasound - not comfortable at all. The tech gave me no results or hints about anything that she may or may not have found. She aked me at one point how long I had had the pain and I said off and on for about 1 1/2 months - around the beginning of August. When she was finished, I got dressed and went home.

I met with an OB/GYN today about a pain I have been feeling in my lower left abdomen - and sometimes in my lower back similar to my back labor pains. I think I started feeling it around the beginning of August. The pain has just felt like a cramp like I get when running or over-exerting myself and it comes and goes. My abdomen is also a litle tender if one of the kids steps on me. Nothing constant at all, but I will feel it periodically when I am just sitting not doing anything. I've looked up symptoms on the internet and am not concerned at all about it. Probably just an ovarian cyst which can go away on its own. I finally called to set up an appointment just to have it checked out.

We discussed my family history (which isn't good as far as cancer is concerned). I also know that I have a breast cancer mutation gene called BRCA-1 which puts me at higher risk for Breast Cancer and Ovarian Cancer. The doctor felt around some and could feel something there that he wanted me to have checked out with a pelvic untrasound. The doctor also had some blood drawn for a blood test. He also recommended a mammogram with the history of breast cancer in my family. I asked if that could be done while I am still breastfeeding and he seemed to think that I could (turns out that he was wrong and I was right). Since my husband was leaving town the next day for a business trip to China I decide to wait until he gets back from that to have the ultrasound done.