Did some last minute birthday shopping today for my son - his birthday is tomorrow. I also picked up some over the counter sleeping pills to see if they will help me get to sleep tonight. The weird part is that even though I don't feel like I'm getting a lot of sleep at night, I'm also not overly tired all day long. I would think that with the little sleep I've been getting I should be falling asleep every time I sit down, but I'm not. Maybe I just don't need the sleep that I used to need so I should find some projects to work on at night... There just seems something wrong with being productive during the middle of the night instead of sleeping...

I managed to run a few errands, including a run to the grocery store this morning with the two little ones. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I bought some clementines at the grocery store and tried eating one for a snack this afternoon and it was the nastiest tasting clementine I have ever tasted... So disappointing...

I'm not sure how much sleep I got last night. Lately I seem to go to bed and just lay awake forever. Hopefully this is temporary because I'm afraid it is going to start taking its toll on me.

I didn't sleep too well last night. Between my stomach/bowels cramping up and my husband not sleeping soundly next to me, I think I woke up every hour or two. I went to all of church and then afterwards just laid around the house most of the day. I had the kids make themselves pancakes for dinner and tried making something else for me and DH but by the time I was finished making it I didn't feel like eating it. I've been having weird food cravings lately, I almost feel like i'm pregnant. Since my chemo treatment last Wednesday I have been craving salsa and chips and salty things. I've been mixing salsa with a little bit of sour cream and eating that with chips for lunch. I've also had cravings for sweet things, but not sugary sweet - a nice juicy orange sounds really good to me. I wish it was always easy to pick one out at the store and guarantee that it would be juicy and sweet! The other weird thing is that at times I feel hungry but nothing quite sounds good to me so I almost have to force myself to eat something - otherwise I feel nauseous and my stomach growls all day long.

I put on jeans today for the first time since my surgery. There's just something about jeans with their unforgiving waistbands that has kept me at bay for this long time. Sitting around the house all day (or even running errands) wearing jeans just does not sound appealing to me.

I bought a pair of jeans several months ago at a secondhand store and when I got home and tried them on they were a little snugger than I wanted them to be but I decided to keep them anyways and set a goal to try and fit into them over the next few months. Well, I put them on today and if anything they are a little loose on me (which was a good thing with my abdomen still healing). People are really starting to notice the weight that I have lost and it feels really good to finally lose some of my baby fat (thanks to baby #6).

I've been a little nauseous since my chemo treatment, but nothing that has been unbearable or kept me from eating. I took one of my anti-nausea pills last night and usually if I don't let my stomach get too empty I am fine. My bowels are a little stopped up again and I've been somewhat tired today but other than that (and a headache) my side-effects haven't been too bad.

Chemo session #4 today. I can't believe that it's been 2 months since my last session. There always seems to be new nurses there that I haven't seen before. The nurse that I had during my first chemo session was there and DH spent some time talking to her when we first arrived because she commented that she hadn't seen us in a while so DH filled her in on my surgery that I had.

Other than that things went pretty smoothly. I only had the two drugs today. I will start up the Avastin again next time (the experimental drug). I didn't have to see the oncology team today since they saw me next week, but they did still have to draw some blood for lab work before they started me on the chemo. The nurse who accessed my port was somewhat concerned because the skin above my port was really red. We're wondering if I was having a reaction to the cream that they are having me put on it before it gets accessed. There was one other time when another nurse also noticed the skin really red before she accessed my port. The nurse today suggested that I try putting a little bit of the cream on a spot on my arm and see if I have a similar reaction. If so, he suggested that I not use it anymore and either don't use anything or just put some ice on my port right before they access it to numb the skin a little. After my session was through and he came back to de-access my port, it was no longer red (and I was keeping an eye on it during my infusion and the redness went away not too long after my infusion started).

My parents were able to come over and watch the kids for us again and some people from the ward brought dinner by that evening. It's nice to have my parents nearby to help out with the kids and to have so many people in the ward and neighborhood willing and wanting to help us out as well. It definitely makes this whole experience a little less painful.

Met with my gynecological oncologist today (my surgeon). She wanted to see me one more time before we started up the chemotherapy to make sure that everything is healing as it should be and there are no complications that I am experiencing. She was very interested to take a look at my incision site. When I lifted up my shirt to show her, she was surprised to see that I still had some steri-strips on the incision. She said, "Oh, you don't need those on anymore" and proceeded to rip them all off of me! It looks weird now having this long red scar down my whole abdomen. She was really impressed with how the incision site looked and also kept commenting on how flat my belly looked. She was pleased that there were no signs of fluid collecting there in my abdomen, especially considering how much discharge was coming out of my JP drain. She also did an internal exam and there are still a few stitches inside of me that aren't completely dissolved.

She gave the okay for my chemotherapy to start up again and she also gave me the okay to start lifting things over 10 pounds. She just cautioned me to take it easy and don't go immediately from lifting only 10 pounds to lifting 50 pounds. She said if it hurts to lift something, to back off and take it a little easier. (It is really nice to be able to lift my baby again!)

I asked her about my arm and if there was anything that happened during the surgery that may be causing the pain that I am experiencing. She didn't think that it was related to the surgery since it took so many weeks afterwards for it to exhibit itself. She thinks it is more likely just a strain from compensating for my healing stomach muscles. She said to try and avoid doing too much with that arm and just try resting it as much as possible (which is easier said than done when you are right handed and have 6 young kids to take care of).

The doctor was a little surprised that my CA-125 number wasn't lower but then she told me to not stress out over it too much because the surgery on my liver may be playing a part in the higher reading. She said that she had a patient sent to her because her CA-125 number was so high (over 4000), but she had no cancer anywhere in her body. She was in complete liver failure which was causing the number to be so high. The hope is that my CA-125 number will drop back down to the normal range after my liver is healed completely and I go through the rest of my chemotherpy sessions.

The doctor wants to see me again in about 3 months after my chemotherapy is all done and then she will see me about every 3 months for the next year just to check up on things and in case we need to do anything to manage my menopause symptoms.

I met with my oncology team at Huntsman on Wednesday and we have decided to start my chemotherapy sessions up again on Wednesday (provided my surgeon gives the okay at my appointment on Tuesday). Just three more session and then hopefully I will be in remission for a LONG time. Everything seems to be healing well and all of my lab work came back in the normal ranges (well, except for my CA-125 number). Someone from the oncology team called me yesterday to let me know that my CA-125 number was at 131 which is about where they expected it to be (my number was at 396 right before the surgery). The number should continue to go down as I continue to recover from the surgery and as I start up the chemo again. I asked if it would get back down to the normal range (35 or lower) and she said that it might, so that is what I'm shooting for!

My right arm is still bothering me, some days more than others. I think I will ask my surgeon about it on Tuesday and see if there was anything that happened during the surgery that might have strained my arm.

I'm down to just three more shots of the blood thinner injections. I can give myself the shots, but I prefer to have my husband so it, so I finally decided to just have him do it at bedtime instead of trying to take care of it in the morning. For some reason it hurts less when he does it. I'm not sure if it is because I don't have to watch it when he does it and so I am more relaxed or what.

I think the kids are finally pretty used to seeing me however I choose to walk around - with a hat on, my wig on or with nothing on my head. I try and be careful around MJ and not take off my wig when she's watching or she might just try and take it off herself sometime when we are out in public. I don't mind walking around the house with nothing on my head, but it is amazing how quickly my head gets cold sometimes. I still struggle at night trying to keep at a comfortable temperature.

I washed my wig today and am waiting for it to dry. Hopefully I will be able to style it easily afterwards. It's actually been pretty nice to just throw on an instant hairdo when I need to leave the house and go somewhere!

Well, my hair is growing back in. Too bad I will be losing it again here in a few weeks. It is probably about a 1/4 inch long right now - and it looks the same color so far. We're fighting a few colds in the family. MJ and DH have it the worst. So far I haven't been hit too bad so hopefully it will stay that way. My abdomen is slowly getting better. I haven't taken any pain medication for about a week I think and have been able to manage fine. Lately when I stand up straight I feel like my skin is super tight and if I stretch too much I will bust open my skin. I've been trying to put lotion on the incision site, but most of it is still covered with the steri-strips that were put on following the surgery. The surgeon said the longer I can keep those on, the better for my incision site. I feel like an old lady when I am walking around because sometimes I hunch over to prevent my incision from stretching out too much. Usually after I am standing for a few minutes the skin stretches out enough that it doesn't bother me anymore.

My right elbow has been really bothering me the last 2 weeks. It hurts when I lift just about anything with that arm and just bending it into certain positions hurts as well. I'm not sure if this is some weird side-effect from my surgery or if I injured my arm just after the surgery while trying to get myself around. If it's not better by next week I will ask my surgeon about it. I haven't been sleeping too well lately. I think it's some of the after-effects of the hysterectomy. Hopefully I can get things under control here shortly so my nights are a little more pleasant. My elementary school kids went back to school today so I will be trying to manage the little girls without lifting them during the day! I'm hoping to get the okay to lift more next week after I see the surgeon - not that I feel like lifting much, but it would be nice to be able to pick my baby up now and then without someone lifting her onto my lap!

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been feeling pretty good physically and been trying to get off of the pain meds totally. I can't believe that it's only been 3 weeks since my surgery! The other day I tried not taking anything and I realized how sore I still am! My right side especially is sore - which is understandable since that is where my liver was operated on and they also took out a small section of my diaphram. The tumor was embedded in my diaphram so they had to take a small chunk of that out as well. My surgeon said that I will probably be sore for a while on that side, especially when I breathe deeply, until it is all healed.

The last couple of nights I haven't slept too well. I'm not sure if it is because of the pain from my surgery or just stress or worry. I've been a little down lately thinking about what the future might hold for me and my family. My life has definitely been on a different track at this point than I ever thought it would be. I try and stay optimistic, but sometimes fear of the unknown really gets to me. It's also hard for me not being able to pick up my baby! I get concerned that I don't have the energy to give my kids the kind of attention that they need at this young stage in their lives. I don't think it's fair to them that their mother is sick and unable to do some things with them.

Okay, enough ranting for now. Here's to hoping for better days ahead - and lots of them!!

And on a more positive note, I've finally lost some of that baby weight that I've been holding onto for so long! (Okay, maybe the tumor on my ovaries had something to do with the extra weight around my middle too.) I've lost about 25 pounds since last September, so at least there's a little bit of positive from this whole ordeal!

Today I met with my gynecological surgeon. Everything is looking good and I am recovering as I should be. They will see me one more time before I start up my chemotherapy again to make sure that everything has healed as it should. My abdomen is still a little swollen, but it is probably partly because of fluid from my liver that my body is trying to get rid of. The surgeon wasn't concerned about it at all. They are pleased to see me up and moving around well and that I have been able to cut back on my pain meds a lot. The surgeon again expressed how pleased she was with how the surgery turned out and that I have a good chance of keeping the cancer at bay for a while. I think that has been the hardest part for me is the fact that we have no way of knowing how long I will be in remission from this horrible disease. That's one reason that I have to endure 3 more cycles of chemotherapy - to try and kill off all of the cancer cells so that I can have a better chance of keeping the cancer in remission for a long time...

I'm not sure what the surgeon did to my belly button, but it HURTS today! And it doesn't help that the waistband on all of my clothes hits right there too. Today I am wearing some thick gauze between my skin and my clothes in order to cushion my belly button a little.

Today I am on my own for the first time - well sort of. DH went back to work for the first time since my surgery and M&M had to go back to school today. The 5 younger kids are all home though so I at least have some help from Luke and Blondie. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for MJ's naps once the elementary school kids head back to school. I have 2 more weeks to solve that problem though.

I have cut my medications down to just one or two Tramadol every 6 hours. I am going to see how I do without the Oxycodone today. Tramadol is a stronger form of ibuprofen. I can definitely feel more tenderness in my belly today, but I think that that is a good thing. It helps me to remember that my body is still on the mend and that I still need to take things easy.

My right arm has also been hurting some today. I'm not sure if I did something to strain it or if it is just because I have had to do more with my arm to compensate for my healing stomach muscles.

Today I ran some errands by myself with a few of the kids. Now that I am down to just one pill of pain meds I am not as drowsy as I was last week and don't feel loopy at all anymore. My stomach has been cramping some on and off because my bowels are still trying to get back to normal. The liver surgeon said that it can take up to 4 weeks after a major surgery for the bowels to start working correctly again. I still don't have much of an appetite and foods that I used to love and crave all the time just hold no interest for me at all. I really have no desire to eat any chocolate or cookies or sweets of any kind. In a way that's a good thing, but I miss them tasting good to me! I've had very few sweets at all this whole Christmas season!

Some of the surgical tape is starting to come off of my incision. The body is an amazing thing in its ability to heal! I still have tape residue all over my belly and upper body. That stuff is hard to get off! I work on it a little each day, but I have such sensitive skin that I try not to do too much at once or I will have sore patches everywhere!

I just gave myself my first shot! I have to have an injection each day to help prevent blood clots and up until today DH has given them to me. Today DH wasn't around so I decided to try it myself and it wasn't too bad.

I went to church today for the full 3 hour block. We just moved to the 11:00 a.m. time slot so I didn't have to rush too bad to get everyone ready for church this morning. (I managed to fit into one of my skirts even with my brace around my midsection, so maybe that means I have lost some more weight.) I felt like I should be there since it is the first Sunday of the new year and everyone is in the process of figuring out what classroom to go to and who their teachers are. I felt fine until Sacrament Meeting when I started getting really tired about halfway through and had a hard time keeping my eyes open. Unfortunately I can't do too much with either MJ or Kay if they act up during church since I can't pick them up. We managed to survive alright though. I had DH drive us home afterwards because I wasn't sure if I trusted myself on the road (even though we only live about 3 blocks away from the church). Everyone was surprised to see me there today and I had so many people come up to me today and tell me that I looked really good and that they liked my hair. A couple of people didn't recognize me at first because of my wig. Later on this afternoon we will be heading over to my parents' house for New Year's dinner.