Well, I decided to go swimming with the kids yesterday.  That means that I went out into public with nothing on my head!  I felt a little self-conscious, especially since my port and the scar above my port was not covered up at all by my swimsuit.  It's nice though to have the kids with me to focus my attention on instead of what other people might think of how I look.  It was also pretty exhausting trying to stay close to both of the little ones the whole time.  We'll probably be making this a regular thing as long as the older kids have lessons through the end of the month.

I've been trying to put together a blog post for some time and I'm getting close to posting it. I think I will divide it up into parts though because it is pretty long and I know when I am faced with reading a long blog post or article, I usually end up just skimming it and don't feel I have the time to spend reading the whole thing thoroughly. So here is the first part of what I would like to post. Stay tuned for more entries!

I have always been a happy person as far back as I can remember. I don't think I have ever been depressed. I have had down days of course but I don't think I would ever call it depression. I don't bear grudges for very long and am not offended very easily. I am always laughing at myself and sometimes it drives my husband crazy at how easily I laugh at the mistakes that I make. I feel that life is too short to get angry at myself for mistakes that we all make because we are human. Quite often I will appear angry to my kids and then turn my head and smile or laugh because I am just appearing angry to get them to do something. I think that my attitude towards life has helped me a lot throughout this trial of cancer that I am going through. I loved President Hinckley and how happy he always was and that he was always cracking jokes. He is one of my heroes and I hope I can always emulate his attitude towards life.

When I was hospitalized for several days following my surgery I had the opportunity to interact with many different nurses and healthcare workers. I will always remember one of the nurses that took care of me one night. I think it was Friday night (my 3rd night there). I had two night nurses that were very interested in talking with me and hearing my story - how I discovered the cancer and the treatments that I had been through up to that point. One of the nurses after she heard my story asked me a question that made me stop and think. She asked, "How can you be so happy and still laugh after all you have been through?" I didn't realize until she asked me that question that I really am a happy person and that I love life, no matter what gets thrown at me. I have thought about that question a lot since that night and I hope to answer that question a little over some of the next posts that I write.

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To swim or not to swim, that is the question! I signed up the older 4 kids for swimming lessons and they started on Monday. The oldest two have their lessons first for a half hour and then the middle two kids have their turn. I knew that it would be difficult sitting on the side of the pool with the two youngest kids, trying to entertain them and keep them out of the pool. I had quite the time at their first lesson and am debating now if I should just pay for me and Kay to use the pool and then let the younger two get in the water. The problem is that I definitely can't wear my wig in the pool and I think it would look weird if I were to wear a hat in an indoor pool! The other kids can swim before and after their lessons for free and MJ would be free because she is under 4. Kay is kind of bummed that I didn't sign her up for lessons so maybe in the fall I will look into putting her in some lessons while the other kids are in school.

Tonight I went to our Relief Society activity. I really debated whether I wanted to go or not. I haven't been to many Relief Society activities since I was diagnosed with cancer and I think it is because I don't want people making a big deal of me showing up and singling me out among the group. I finally decided at the last minute to go and I had a good time talking with some people that I haven't interacted with much lately. I'm glad that I made the decision to go. We have a lot of neat sisters in our ward.

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Last Thursday I went to the dentist for the first time since my diagnosis of cancer. They advise you to avoid the dentist if possible during chemo treatments because of the added risk of infection with any dental work. This was just a routine cleaning, but my Huntsman doctor also wanted the dentist to be aware of the Avastin treatment that I am on and the increased risk of osteoneucrosis of the jaw. He made sure that they took x-rays so that he could look at the bone but he didn't seem too concerned with me developing the problem. He said that it is a problem that usually doesn't show itself unless some kind of dental surgery or tooth extraction has taken place and then for some reason the bone just doesn't heal. He said that I just need to be extra careful of my teeth and gums and make sure that I continue to brush and floss regularly so that we don't have to worry about any type of dental work in the near future. He said that if I do need any kind of work done, such as an extraction, that he would send me to a dental surgeon to make sure that I get the best, specialized care possible.

I wore my new wig to church on Sunday. This was the first time that I have worn the shorter wig to something where a lot of people that know me would see me. I got a lot of compliments on it and I think it will make the transition to my real hair a little easier and less drastic of a change. There was even someone who asked if I had gotten my hair cut and colored! I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that so I just said that I got a new hairdo... I also had a couple of people who said that at first they thought that I had just cut and restyled my original wig.

Today I put my shorter wig on to go somewhere and Kay told me that she wanted me to wear the other one because the hair was longer and prettier! I'm not sure how to respond to that! Some girls interpret longer hair as prettier hair, so maybe she is just expressing that feeling. I think I will stick with the shorter wig because it is a little cooler to wear since it is shorter and I don't want to be changing my hairstyle every couple of days. I am a little more nervous wearing it though because it is shorter and I need to pay special attention to making sure it is on correctly and that the hair is laying flaton my head. It also doesn't have ear tags that pull down in front of my ears so it is harder to tell if it is on straight.

And can I just say that it is hard putting sunglasses on when you are wearing a wig!! I have to use two hands to make sure that I get the sides on top of the wig, over my ears and that I pull some of the wig hair down over the sunglasses frame.


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I have quite a bit to catch up on so here goes.  My Avastin infusion on April 25th was a lot quicker than the last time I went in.  This time they didn't need to do any lab work first.  One of the nurses accessed my port and then they just had to take my blood pressure and temperature and then they sent to the pharmacy for my Avastin.  It took some waiting before we finally got the drug from the pharmacy, but once they started it, it was a 30 minute infusion followed by some flushing with saline solution.  Then they de-accessed my port and we were on our way home - about 2 hours total.  My dad came with me again and my mom watched MJ and Kay for me.

On Tuesday I had an appointment with my surgeon.  The nurse-practitioner did most of the exam and then the surgeon came in to visit for a few minutes before we left.  They both think that I am looking really good and everything looks and feels normal to them.  I asked the surgeon if I am considered in remission now and she said that technically, no.  To be considered in remission you need to be free from any cancer that they can detect for 2 years.  If the cancer is going to come back, the chances are greatest that it will come back in the first year or two.  She said that after that we can begin to breathe a little easier.  Then if I make it to the 5 year mark I would be considered cancer-free because the chance of it coming back after that point is very, very rare.  So now I have some goals to reach for because I am going to do anything I can to beat this cancer!  The surgeon said that the CA-125 blood marker will be a good, reliable test for me to monitor if the cancer is coming back.  (The CA-125 count from my latest lab work was 21.)  I also need to watch for any warning signs, mostly in my abdomen area - persistent pain or discomfort that doesn't go away or a bloating feeling that doesn't go away.  If the cancer does come back, it will most likely come back in the abdomen area.  She did tell us of 2 women that she just saw recently that she had treated about 4 and 5 years ago for Stage 4 ovarian cancer and both of them are still cancer free.  She said that both of them had the cancer a little more widespread than me and up into the fluid in the lungs before treatment.  It's good to hear about cases like that because success stories are hard to find...

My hair is pretty fuzzy now and I am almost to the point where I would feel okay walking around with nothing on my head.  My husband is always laughing at me because I love to run my hand over my head.  I've switched to my shorter hair wig and I'm trying to get a good feel for it.  I've already clipped the bangs a little in the front because they were hanging down in my eyes and driving me crazy.  The only problem with doing that is that that hair will not grow back so I was hesitant at first and then very cautious in how much I cut off.  I am debating cutting a little more but I will wait a few days and see if it is still bugging me.  I noticed last night that my eyelashes are almost fully grown back.  The only hair that seems hesitant to come back are my eyebrows, so I keep penciling them in for the time being.

My hair is slowly starting to come back along with my energy. I was driving to the store on Saturday and the way the sunlight hit my arm I noticed that I had little hairs growing there finally. I also noticed a little on my legs on Sunday. I still haven't noticed much where my eyebrows should be, so I am still having to draw them on. Overall I seem to be sleeping pretty well - I just seem to be staying up too late lately which causes me to want to sleep in too long in the mornings. I had some trouble falling asleep Sunday night for some reason but usually I don't have that problem lately. Yesterday I spent some time in the morning in our garden. My neighbor saw me out there and came to help. I'm hoping to get some things planted again this summer but it is going to take quite a bit of work to get the garden plot ready. Hopefully I will be up for it. Unfortunately MJ and Kay are not much help at their ages!! I was pretty exhausted after I fed the girls lunch so I laid down for a little while after I put MJ down for her nap.

Now that my treatments have stopped, except for the trial drug, I will not be posting as often - there's just not that much to blog about. My energy is slowly coming back, but still not quite up to normal. The hair on my head is also slowing coming back. Right now I am at the fuzzy stage. You can't really tell that I have hair though unless you look up close or feel it. I imagine it will be a good several months before it is long enough to do anything with (or to go out in public without a wig or hat on).

I did get the results back from my mammogram a couple of days ago and there was nothing abnormal that they were able to see in the images.

The girls looked beautiful in their Easter dresses today! I think that these were the fanciest and most involved dresses that I have done so far. I will be posting pictures of them on my family blog in the next day or two if you are interested in seeing them. It is nice to have them done and out of the way now so I can work on some other things! Church was kind of crazy for some reason today. MJ wouldn't go to nursery without me or DH staying with her and then Kay wouldn't sit still in sharing time and kept running back to sit with me and she kept having me take her out to the bathroom. During Sacrament Meeting, DH ended up taking MJ home because she wouldn't calm down and quit screaming! The 11-2 time slot can be hard with lunch time and nap time!

After church we went to my parents' house for Easter dinner and an Easter egg hunt for the kids. We also had some cake and ice cream for my mom's birthday which was on Thursday. Now I'm ready for bed!

Hair update: The hair on my head is trying to come back, but it is definitely happening very slowly. Other than that my arms and legs are pretty smooth and hair-free still.

I was up until about 1 a.m. last night trying to finish up the dresses for the girls. I got two of them completely finished and then the last one was finished this evening. At least I don't have to do another late night tonight. After doing some cleaning this morning (and egg boiling), we decorated some Easter eggs after lunch and then I put MJ down for her nap. Then M&M and I went shoe shopping and we finally found some that she liked and that matched the Easter dress that we made her. The kids are super excited for Easter tomorrow!

Today is Kay's birthday! She is 4 today! After spending the morning baking the cake and wrapping some presents, I took the girls (minus MJ) shoe shopping after lunch. We were able to find shoes for those that needed them - except for some new Sunday shoes for M&M. I will have to take her out again tomorrow so we can hopefully get something for her to wear for Easter. After we got back from the store, I decorated Kay's cake and then we ordered pizza and my parents came over for dinner, presents and cake. I think I am finally getting some of my energy back.

We decided to take a picnic lunch with us to our hike and after taking forever to get everyone ready, we left for Ensign Peak. The weather was perfect today for the hike. Luckily we all brought a jacket or sweatshirt because it was cooler up at the start of the hike and definitely cool and windy at the top of the peak! I was definitely the weak link in the chain on our hike today! I had quite the struggle getting up the mountain because I felt so out of breath and light-headed at times! I had to stop every 50 feet or so to catch my breath! It was pretty pathetic! I was finally able to make it though and going down was no problem at all for me. Once we got back to the car we found a small park in the avenues to eat a picnic lunch at and then the kids played on the playground for quite a while and had a blast! It was an older playground with several toys that are considered "too dangerous" for the new playgrounds today... I rested a little after we returned home and then I spent part of the evening driving kids to and from soccer practices. I also was able to work on the Easter dresses some more. I am almost finished with all of them!

Had some more shopping to do this morning. It just is never ending with a family of 6 kids! I rested a little in the afternoon again. When DH came home from work yesterday he said that he was thinking of taking Thursday off of work to spend some time with the family since he has been having to work many late nights lately. He said that he would do it if he didn't have any important meetings scheduled and if we planned something to do (he didn't just want to sit around the house not doing anything). So I thought about it some and when he got home this evening I said that I thought we should take the kids and hike up Ensign Peak - it's something that we have never done before. I knew that with my blood counts still a little low I might have a hard(er) time making it up, but it is only a 1/2 mile up and 1/2 mile back down so I thought that I could do it. So after checking his schedule to make sure no meetings were scheduled, we decided to try it tomorrow morning.

This morning I took MJ with me and ran some errands and then after lunch I laid down for a nap. I was able to find some soccer cleats for Luke (since he has outgrown his). This evening I went with the rest of the Primary Presidency to visit a few families in the ward. After that I worked on the Easter dresses some before I went to bed (later than I should have).

This morning my dad came with me to my Avastin treatment. We got there right on time at 9 a.m. and after we checked in they took me back and accessed my port to draw my labs. We just sat there waiting for a while for my lab results to come back. After a little while my nurse for the day came to me and said that my blood levels were kind of low again and my doctor's nurse was offering to give me 2 units of blood if I wanted them. I was a little confused for a minute or two and asked if my levels were high enough to be treated. The nurse said yes, they were high enough and the other nurse was offering me the choice if I wanted it. After thinking for a minute I decided to decline the blood. She went back to the phone and told my doctor's nurse that I didn't want the blood and she came back with the response that if I was feeling really tired over the next day or two to call in and they would arrange for a blood transfusion. I asked the nurse for a copy of my lab results so I could look at them and she said she would print them out for me once they were all back from the lab. After some more waiting the nurse brought me the printout and I was surprised to note, after comparing it to last week's results, that my platelet count had gone up from last Wednesday, but my white and red blood cell counts had gone down slightly! I decided to call DH (who was working from home today while watching the kids for me) and we discussed whether I should get the blood transfusion. After talking it over for a few minutes we decided that if my levels were at critical levels, they wouldn't give me the option and my levels would be too low to receive the treatment. So I got off the phone with DH and then we sat there waiting again. A little while later the nurse came by and said that the head of the trial that I am on had called and given the okay to give me the infusion. So I guess at that point they put in the order for the Avastin to the pharmacy and then we had to wait and wait and wait some more before they finally got the drug from the pharmacy. They finally started my infusion more than 2 hours after I got there... The infusion itself lasted 30 minutes, then they had to flush the bag with saline solution and then we seemed to wait some more for no reason once again. The nurse finally came by with the flush for my port and finally was able to de-access me and send us on our way... We didn't leave until about 12:15! We were there for over 3 hours for a 30 minute infusion! While we were there I got a call from DH saying that he had received a call from work and things were not well and that he needed to get down there as soon as possible. Since Luke was home and my dad and I were hopefully going to be leaving soon, I told DH to just go and we would be there soon.

So my dad and I finally left for home and we got there and I had about 5 minutes before I had to leave for my mammogram which was at a different clinic. I sat with MJ for a few minutes and grabbed myself a quick snack to eat and then left my dad with the kids while I left. I got to the clinic just in time and I was surprised with how quickly everything went with the mammogram. I had to fill out a paper when I checked in and then they took me right back to change into a gown and then the technician took me back for the scans and then I was through. I was in and out of that clinic in about 15 minutes - it was awesome! And I didn't think that the mammogram was that bad at all. I would take that any day over doing a breast MRI or even going to the dentist!! The technician said that they would be sending the results of the mammogram to me and to my doctor as well.

After I got home from the mammogram I laid down for a few minutes and then I had to leave to drive the orchestra carpool for M&M and some of her friends from school. By the time I got home from that I was exhausted! Whew, what a busy day!!

More General Conference today. It's hard trying to keep the kids quiet and entertained while trying to watch the sessions. Thankfully MJ napped during the afternoon session so it was a little bit quieter. I have been able to do some hand sewing on the dresses while listening so I am getting closer to finishing. I just need to hand sew on the middle girls' dresses and then M&M's needs to be hemmed and I need to buy some ribbon for it.

After conference we went to my parents' for dinner. My sister's family was there as well and we had a good visit. I can't believe it is only one week until Easter! And Kay's birthday is this Friday! Man I have a lot to do this week to get ready for both!

Soccer games again this morning. This time we had one at 10:30 (which the other team didn't show up to) and then two games at 11:00. Sometimes it's nice to have them overlap because then you're not spending the whole day at games. General Conference today as well. I listened to some of the morning session in the car while watching M&M's game, but we also recorded it to watch later. M&M and I made some doughnuts this evening while DH was at the priesthood session. They were really good!

My eyes started really bothering me and watering while I was finishing up bathing the kids. It only lasted a few minutes, but then I felt really tired afterwards and went to bed earlier than I usually do.

My sister came by this morning with her two little boys. We had a good visit. She has some cute boys and the baby is growing up way too fast! I was able to work on the dresses again today. I am almost done with the 4 older girls' dresses, so just MJ's left to do.

Got quite a bit of sewing done today. Just a little over a week until Easter! I'm starting to get some energy back, but it has been really slow. Luke and M&M had their first soccer games of the season this evening. M&M got a ride to her game and I went to Luke's game. Blondie had practice at about the same time so I missed some of the game while I was driving to drop off and pick up Blondie. DH stopped at M&M's game on his way home from work. Now starts the craziness of soccer season!

Bum deal today!! My parents came by my house this morning so that my mom could watch the kids and my dad drove me to the clinic for my Dr's appt and infusion. Traffic was a mess this morning so we got there a few minutes late and then when the Dr came in to see me he said that they couldn't give me the infusion today because my platelet count was too low! Since I'm receiving the Avastin as part of a clinical trial we have to follow all of their protocol under what conditions I can and cannot receive treatment. The Dr who I met with said that if it wasn't for the study they would give me the infusion anyways because the Avastin doesn't affect the platelet count at all and doesn't really have anything to do with it. The first comment that the Dr made when he walked into the examining room was that I looked tired! I said that I was hoping it was due to a low red blood cell count and after he looked at those numbers he thought that that was probably the case and that my number should rebound here in the next week or two. We think that all of the chemo treatments have finally caught up with me and it is taking me longer this time around to rebound. Even though I wasn't able to receive my infusion today, I'm just glad that this didn't happen on one of my chemotherapy days because that really would have affected things more since that is an all day treatment. So the plan is to have me come back in on Monday and hopefully my platelet count will be back up by then (my number today was 59,000 and it needs to be at 75,000 or higher - normal range is 170,000-450,000). I will go straight to the infusion room and have my labs drawn there and if everything is in the acceptable range then I will have the infusion, if not then I will have to come back in on Wednesday to meet with the doctor. The only problem with Monday is that they had already scheduled me to have a mammogram on Monday at a clinic closer to my home, so they rescheduled that for early afternoon and my infusion will be in the morning (hopefully).

The Dr also said that he had looked at the results of the CT scan and that there were no signs of cancer evident in the scan. He said that there was one spot in the liver where the resection took place that showed some abnormality, but after talking with the radiology tech they were confident that it is just due to the healing still taking place in the liver and that the abnormality was consistent with someone who has had liver surgery. They will keep a close eye on that spot in future scans, but at this point it is not a concern.

After the meeting with the doctor ended I had to go over to the room where my labs are done so that they could de-access my port. So much for leaving it in!! It was a little bit of a pain during the night because it was a little uncomfortable to have my arms close together which is how I usually sleep. I finally had the thought to put a pillow in front of my chest so that I could wrap my arm around it and not have it touching my other arm.

CT scan this afternoon. I spent the morning working on some sewing and then my mom came over to watch the kids while I went in for my CT scan. Unfortunately my CT was scheduled for 5:30 p.m. I had to be at the clinic at 4:30 for my lab work and to have my port accessed for the scan. They were running a little late for the scan but luckily it is a quick procedure and I was done before 6:00 so I could go back to the clinic and have then flush my port and tape up my tubing. I decided to have them leave the needle/tubing in my port so that I will not have to be accessed again for my infusion tomorrow. I just have to be careful showering/bathing and make sure that I cover it so that it doesn't get wet.

I made a crockpot meal and left it cooking before I left so the family was able to get dinner on the table before I got back home a little after 6:30 (traffic was surprisingly light for that time of day). When I was a couple of miles from home my stomach started turning flip flops and not feeling too good. I was worried that I wasn't going to make it home in time. As soon as I pulled in the garage I rushed into the house and up to the bathroom. For some reason this time around the barium contrast that I had to drink for my CT scan gave me some severe muscles cramps and diarrhea. I was finally okay again by the time I went to bed, but those were a couple of not too pleasant hours. I almost felt like I had taken the Miralax again (which is what I had to take to clean out my bowels before my surgery).

My stomach muscles have been sore today from having to fight with MJ at the bookstore yesterday. She is definitely a handful and I had to carry her around quite a bit so she wouldn't run away.