I had dinner at my parents' house this evening and my younger sister and her family were there as well.  My younger sister is also positive for the BRCA-1 mutation gene and has some difficult choices ahead of her.  She said that her OB/GYN wants her to decide now how many kids she wants so that as soon as she is done they can remove her ovaries (they recommend it be done at age 35).  She just had her second child in November and will be 34 in August.  I told her that looking back I don't know that there is anything that I would have done differently or could have done differently.  I was 35 when I was diagnosed with my cancer!  I also felt very strongly before we had MJ that there was another spirit that needed to come into our family so I know that I was supposed to have her.  I also know several people with the BRCA-1 mutation who had their ovaries removed when they were much older than me and never developed ovarian cancer.  Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for my sister or anyone else in a similar position except to pray about it and do what feels right for you and your situation.  The unfortunate part about ovarian cancer, and the reason that it usually isn't detected until stage 3 or 4, is that there is no definitive test to diagnose it and there are no symptoms that are conclusive to it either.  We have no idea how long I had my tumors before we found them - sometimes the cancer is very fast growing.  My sister also knows a fellow nurse where she works that was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 20s but didn't want her ovaries removed because she still wanted to have kids.  I can't remember the details of what kind of treatment she received at the time but I know that they treated her and she kept at least one of her ovaries and went on to have a couple of kids.  She then had the cancer come back and I think at that time she had the ovaries removed and went through more chemo.

I stopped penciling in my eyebrows this week and haven't been wearing my wig as much.  I've started wearing some of my hats more often again.  I'm still a little hesitant to go out without anything on my head.  Maybe another week or two.  It's nice to not have to worry about my eyebrows anymore though!

My husband is out of town this weekend so I have been on my own with the kids.  Yesterday the weather cooled off a lot and I was feeling good so I mowed the front lawn in the afternoon while MJ was napping.  I thought that I might be sore today from the mowing but luckily I wasn't!  My kids had 2 soccer games back to back today so we spent a chunk of the late morning/afternoon at the games.  The weather was perfect for soccer but it turns out it was a little sunny too because I ended up with a slight sunburn on my right arm and so did Kay - not too bad though.  Luckily my hat covered my head, face and neck well so I didn't get burned there as well.

This afternoon I had my doctor's appointment, lab work and Avastin infusion at Huntsman.  My parents were out of town so we ended up just having DH stay home with the kids while I went by myself.  I knew ahead of time that we would have some conflicts and since I haven't really had any adverse reactions to the Avastin infusions we decided that this would be the easiest solution.  A couple of weeks ago I signed up my older kids for swim lessons, knowing that we might have a conflict this week.  I had to give DH quite a few instructions on how to go about getting the kids to their lessons and we discussed what he should do with the younger kids.  He ended up just dropping all 4 of the older kids off at the rec center and then went to a park that is adjacent to it for the younger kids to play at and then he stopped back to pick them up after the lessons were over.  I was hoping that I might make it back in time to pick up the kids from lessons so that DH could go home, but it didn't happen.

I ended up having a really good visit with my "team" at Huntsman.  It was a much more thorough visit than I have had the last couple of times which was nice.  They were able to answer some of the questions that I had and we discussed my next few treatments - and possible conflicts with an upcoming family vacation.  As a part of the study I am on, I will be having complete chest/abdominal CT scans every 3 months (at least for this first year).  I will be on the Avastin indefinitely.  The doctor told me that she would love to have me on it forever because that would mean that it is doing what they hope it will do and keeping the cancer away.  I am free to stop it at anytime if I want and I think that they can stop the study at anytime that they want as well.  So until either of those possibilities happen, I will be receiving the Avastin every 3 weeks.

Everyone at the clinic was commenting on my hair and how nice and evenly it is coming in.  Apparently with some people it comes in in patches.  My nurse practitioner also asked about my family and if I had any pictures of the kids.  They've never asked to see one before so I pulled some up on my ipad and told them the names and ages.

After the appointment I had my lab work drawn and then went over to the infusion center.  It took a while for them to call me back and then for some reason it took forever to get the Avastin again...  My infusion appointment was set for 3:30 but I don't think they started the infusion itself until around 4:30.  Once it started it went pretty quickly and I was home around 6:00.

I took the kids swimming again today during swimming lessons.  Wow that tires me out!  It's a lot of work looking after the kids on my own!  I'm glad for the second half hour of lessons when M&M and Luke can help me out with the younger two.  My whole upper body has just been sore, sore, sore lately!  Mostly my shoulders, upper arms and neck.  I'm wondering if it has to do with overcompensating for my abdomen muscles that are still healing.  Every night I when I go to bed I just feel so tense and it's sore sometimes to even lift my arms above my head.  Maybe it's also a result of taking the little ones swimming...

I have always been a fan of Elder Dallin H. Oaks of our LDS Quorum of the 12 Apostles. I recently picked up his newest book titled, "Life's Lessons Learned".  It is a relatively short book with short chapters on different things that he has learned throughout his life.  There were a couple of topics that particularly hit me that I want to share.

"Faith, no matter how strong it is, cannot produce a result contrary to the will of him whose power it is. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord." (page 8)

This says to me that no matter how badly you may want (or not want) something, no matter how much faith you have that something will come to pass, it is ultimately up to God. Elder Oaks even mentions when Christ was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane how he asked the Father to let the cup pass from him if it was his will. But ultimately God's will was fulfilled that Christ had to suffer there in the garden completely.

Here is another quote that I liked from the book and this one really identifies how I feel:

"Adversity is an occasional or even a constant companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. It is a reality - and indeed one of the purposes - of mortal life. What is important is how we react to it. Will our adversities bear us down, or will we go forward relying on the promise of God, who does not shield us from every adversity but who gives us the guidance and strength that makes it possible for us to endure and progress?

"Some people exploit their adversities to encourage others to look on them with pity and to place them in a special category that excuses nonperformance. Others, as father Lehi taught, accept their adversities and go forward, relying on God's blessings to help them do their best." (page 71)

This quote says to me that part of our test here on earth is to see how we will respond to adversities that are placed in our paths. I don't ever want to be seen as someone who just gave up and didn't endure her trials well. I know that the Lord will help to give me the strength to go through anything and I want my children to see that and know that they too can do hard things and have the faith to endure well.

Wow my new wig was itching my head today!!  I wore it for a couple of hours this morning while I was out and it was driving me crazy!  I almost just took it off, but I didn't have any hats with me to throw on my head.  Hopefully soon I will be at the point that I don't care anymore!

My eyebrows are about halfway back right now.  I still need to pencil in a few strands - mostly on the outer part of my brow.  It got me to thinking about how our eyebrows and other hairs like that know how to stop growing.  We typically don't see people with eyebrows or eyelashes or arm hair for that matter that is really long.  How do those hairs know to only grow to a certain point?  Or do they fall out and get replaced when they reach a certain length?  They certainly are different from the hair on our heads for some reason...

Here are some pictures taken of me this morning.  I have not penciled any eyebrows in at this point so you can see what I have now, plus the hair that is growing in on top of my head:

I have an update to add to Tuesday's post that I will cut and paste at a later date.  On Tuesday while I was preparing dinner (and trying to decide whether or not to go to our Relief Society activity), the vision in my left eye went kind of weird - like I all of a sudden had something partially blocking my view or it was blurry.  I couldn't even describe what it was like.  I wasn't too concerned at first but thought that if it continued I would stay home from the activity.  About 15 minutes or so later while I was finishing up my dinner my eye finally went back to normal and I haven't had any problems since.  I just want to document the issue in case it ever comes back (and I think I experienced it once before a few months ago).

I have not blogged a lot about anything to do with religion and my beliefs, but at this point I think that I need to explain some of what I believe as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS or Mormon).

Many people are still amazed with how well I seem to be doing and how I have dealt with this trial of cancer so far. While it is definitely not something that I ever expected to go through at this age, I strongly believe that my family and I are going through this trial for a reason and that we will be stronger because of it.

President Henry B. Eyring of our LDS leadership gave an excellent talk in the last General Conference, that is now entitled "Mountains to Climb", which expresses a lot of how I feel. He mentions the importance of having a "foundation of faith" that will help sustain us through our trials. Here is a quote from his talk that expresses how I feel, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."

I strongly believe that the Lord gives us our specific trials for specific reasons and that if we endure them well, our faith will be strengthened and we will be blessed. That does not mean that the trials will always end how we would like them to or that they will be removed from us. The Lord's ways are higher than ours and He knows the beginning and the end. I know that He will help me and my family to get through this trial, whatever the outcome may be, and that He will always be there to help lift and support me and anyone who asks for His help.

Sometimes I think that people don't believe me when I say that I am doing fine, but that is the truth. I may not like what I am having to go through right now, but I feel at peace with it and that is enough for me. For me that means that I will carry on as best as I can everyday that is given to me. I have been blessed in so many ways that there is no way I could be angry with God.  We will always be in His debt.

On Sunday I was watching a show with the kids and it quotes one of the Psalms in the Bible which really hit me this time around. It is Psalm 23:

"1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." (Old Testament, Psalms, Psalm 23)

How many times have I heard this psalm either through reading it or through song and it hasn't hit me before like this time that I heard it? To me this passage of scripture means that the Lord will always be there for me. When I follow Him down the paths of righteousness He will be there to guide me and to strengthen me. Because of this, there is nothing to fear! I will always be blessed for doing what is right! That is the promise we are given. (And no that doesn't mean that the blessing will always be immediate. Sometimes we have to wait for it, but we are promised that blessings will come.)

Well, I decided to go swimming with the kids yesterday.  That means that I went out into public with nothing on my head!  I felt a little self-conscious, especially since my port and the scar above my port was not covered up at all by my swimsuit.  It's nice though to have the kids with me to focus my attention on instead of what other people might think of how I look.  It was also pretty exhausting trying to stay close to both of the little ones the whole time.  We'll probably be making this a regular thing as long as the older kids have lessons through the end of the month.

I've been trying to put together a blog post for some time and I'm getting close to posting it. I think I will divide it up into parts though because it is pretty long and I know when I am faced with reading a long blog post or article, I usually end up just skimming it and don't feel I have the time to spend reading the whole thing thoroughly. So here is the first part of what I would like to post. Stay tuned for more entries!

I have always been a happy person as far back as I can remember. I don't think I have ever been depressed. I have had down days of course but I don't think I would ever call it depression. I don't bear grudges for very long and am not offended very easily. I am always laughing at myself and sometimes it drives my husband crazy at how easily I laugh at the mistakes that I make. I feel that life is too short to get angry at myself for mistakes that we all make because we are human. Quite often I will appear angry to my kids and then turn my head and smile or laugh because I am just appearing angry to get them to do something. I think that my attitude towards life has helped me a lot throughout this trial of cancer that I am going through. I loved President Hinckley and how happy he always was and that he was always cracking jokes. He is one of my heroes and I hope I can always emulate his attitude towards life.

When I was hospitalized for several days following my surgery I had the opportunity to interact with many different nurses and healthcare workers. I will always remember one of the nurses that took care of me one night. I think it was Friday night (my 3rd night there). I had two night nurses that were very interested in talking with me and hearing my story - how I discovered the cancer and the treatments that I had been through up to that point. One of the nurses after she heard my story asked me a question that made me stop and think. She asked, "How can you be so happy and still laugh after all you have been through?" I didn't realize until she asked me that question that I really am a happy person and that I love life, no matter what gets thrown at me. I have thought about that question a lot since that night and I hope to answer that question a little over some of the next posts that I write.

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To swim or not to swim, that is the question! I signed up the older 4 kids for swimming lessons and they started on Monday. The oldest two have their lessons first for a half hour and then the middle two kids have their turn. I knew that it would be difficult sitting on the side of the pool with the two youngest kids, trying to entertain them and keep them out of the pool. I had quite the time at their first lesson and am debating now if I should just pay for me and Kay to use the pool and then let the younger two get in the water. The problem is that I definitely can't wear my wig in the pool and I think it would look weird if I were to wear a hat in an indoor pool! The other kids can swim before and after their lessons for free and MJ would be free because she is under 4. Kay is kind of bummed that I didn't sign her up for lessons so maybe in the fall I will look into putting her in some lessons while the other kids are in school.

Tonight I went to our Relief Society activity. I really debated whether I wanted to go or not. I haven't been to many Relief Society activities since I was diagnosed with cancer and I think it is because I don't want people making a big deal of me showing up and singling me out among the group. I finally decided at the last minute to go and I had a good time talking with some people that I haven't interacted with much lately. I'm glad that I made the decision to go. We have a lot of neat sisters in our ward.

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Last Thursday I went to the dentist for the first time since my diagnosis of cancer. They advise you to avoid the dentist if possible during chemo treatments because of the added risk of infection with any dental work. This was just a routine cleaning, but my Huntsman doctor also wanted the dentist to be aware of the Avastin treatment that I am on and the increased risk of osteoneucrosis of the jaw. He made sure that they took x-rays so that he could look at the bone but he didn't seem too concerned with me developing the problem. He said that it is a problem that usually doesn't show itself unless some kind of dental surgery or tooth extraction has taken place and then for some reason the bone just doesn't heal. He said that I just need to be extra careful of my teeth and gums and make sure that I continue to brush and floss regularly so that we don't have to worry about any type of dental work in the near future. He said that if I do need any kind of work done, such as an extraction, that he would send me to a dental surgeon to make sure that I get the best, specialized care possible.

I wore my new wig to church on Sunday. This was the first time that I have worn the shorter wig to something where a lot of people that know me would see me. I got a lot of compliments on it and I think it will make the transition to my real hair a little easier and less drastic of a change. There was even someone who asked if I had gotten my hair cut and colored! I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that so I just said that I got a new hairdo... I also had a couple of people who said that at first they thought that I had just cut and restyled my original wig.

Today I put my shorter wig on to go somewhere and Kay told me that she wanted me to wear the other one because the hair was longer and prettier! I'm not sure how to respond to that! Some girls interpret longer hair as prettier hair, so maybe she is just expressing that feeling. I think I will stick with the shorter wig because it is a little cooler to wear since it is shorter and I don't want to be changing my hairstyle every couple of days. I am a little more nervous wearing it though because it is shorter and I need to pay special attention to making sure it is on correctly and that the hair is laying flaton my head. It also doesn't have ear tags that pull down in front of my ears so it is harder to tell if it is on straight.

And can I just say that it is hard putting sunglasses on when you are wearing a wig!! I have to use two hands to make sure that I get the sides on top of the wig, over my ears and that I pull some of the wig hair down over the sunglasses frame.


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I have quite a bit to catch up on so here goes.  My Avastin infusion on April 25th was a lot quicker than the last time I went in.  This time they didn't need to do any lab work first.  One of the nurses accessed my port and then they just had to take my blood pressure and temperature and then they sent to the pharmacy for my Avastin.  It took some waiting before we finally got the drug from the pharmacy, but once they started it, it was a 30 minute infusion followed by some flushing with saline solution.  Then they de-accessed my port and we were on our way home - about 2 hours total.  My dad came with me again and my mom watched MJ and Kay for me.

On Tuesday I had an appointment with my surgeon.  The nurse-practitioner did most of the exam and then the surgeon came in to visit for a few minutes before we left.  They both think that I am looking really good and everything looks and feels normal to them.  I asked the surgeon if I am considered in remission now and she said that technically, no.  To be considered in remission you need to be free from any cancer that they can detect for 2 years.  If the cancer is going to come back, the chances are greatest that it will come back in the first year or two.  She said that after that we can begin to breathe a little easier.  Then if I make it to the 5 year mark I would be considered cancer-free because the chance of it coming back after that point is very, very rare.  So now I have some goals to reach for because I am going to do anything I can to beat this cancer!  The surgeon said that the CA-125 blood marker will be a good, reliable test for me to monitor if the cancer is coming back.  (The CA-125 count from my latest lab work was 21.)  I also need to watch for any warning signs, mostly in my abdomen area - persistent pain or discomfort that doesn't go away or a bloating feeling that doesn't go away.  If the cancer does come back, it will most likely come back in the abdomen area.  She did tell us of 2 women that she just saw recently that she had treated about 4 and 5 years ago for Stage 4 ovarian cancer and both of them are still cancer free.  She said that both of them had the cancer a little more widespread than me and up into the fluid in the lungs before treatment.  It's good to hear about cases like that because success stories are hard to find...

My hair is pretty fuzzy now and I am almost to the point where I would feel okay walking around with nothing on my head.  My husband is always laughing at me because I love to run my hand over my head.  I've switched to my shorter hair wig and I'm trying to get a good feel for it.  I've already clipped the bangs a little in the front because they were hanging down in my eyes and driving me crazy.  The only problem with doing that is that that hair will not grow back so I was hesitant at first and then very cautious in how much I cut off.  I am debating cutting a little more but I will wait a few days and see if it is still bugging me.  I noticed last night that my eyelashes are almost fully grown back.  The only hair that seems hesitant to come back are my eyebrows, so I keep penciling them in for the time being.