Got up super early to make it to the hospital for our appointment time. This is really the first surgery I have ever had and I was more nervous then I thought I would be. It was another conscious sedation procedure, similar to the liver biopsy. A surgical resident came in to explain the whole procedure to us and then we met the surgeon. I think the resident did most of the work in the surgery room with the doctor looking on. The whole procedure was pretty quick and I only had to stay around for about an hour for observation. We were home in time for lunch. My hip was hurting again when it was about time to leave so the nurse gave me some painkiller for it. They made two incisions in my skin - one where the actual port was placed and then a second one up higher where they put the tubes for the catheter into the vein. It all looks pretty gross (what I can see so far). Most of it is covered up with gauze and surgical tape. I'm supposed to let the surgical tape just fall off on its own in the week or two. While the surgical spots are a little tender, I'm not really in a lot lf pain from the surgery.

The primary president brought us dinner that evening - very much appreciated! After we ate some of us headed over to the church for Luke's last Pinewood Derby. I don't think most people who were there are aware of my condition at this time. Probably a good thing because I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it much.

Sent DH to work again. He came home a little early to help finish up Luke's Pinewood Derby car. Why does it sometimes feel like everything hits at once? (I also got a summons for jury duty right when we started going through all of this diagnosis and testing. I had to ask the oncologist at Huntsman to write me a doctor's note excusing me from it...)

Got a call from Nereida at Huntsman letting me know that I was accepted into the clinical trial. We will go in for some lab work and to meet with Dr. Werner (my medical oncologist at Huntsman) on Wednesday and start my first cycle of chemotherapy on Thursday. I can't believe that this is really going to happen... She also informed me that I was randomized into group 1 which means that I will have the full treatment dose every three weeks, with just blood work on the in-between weeks.

Also got a call from University Hospital to answer a bunch of background questions before my port surgery on Tuesday. They also informed me that I needed to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. with the surgery scheduled for 7:30.

This was the last day that I nursed MJ. She has been so good about it, but it has been hard for me emotionally, especially when I know it is such a source of comfort for her. We quickly cut her down to twice a day and then once a day. She has woken up at night once or twice since that first night of no feedings and we havr just let her cry herself back to sleep. That's hard for me to do, but necessary at this point. Hopefully she will start wanting to just sit and cuddle with me without wanting to nurse. I miss that.

Went to church again. Managed to make it through with only tearing up once. People are finding out more. It's nice to have people that are willing to help when needed and are praying for you - very humbling... The former counselor in the primary presidency that I just replaced found out at church today (her son who was my age just passed away from brain cancer). She has offered to do Sharing Time for me if I ever need it, or to help out any other way she can.

Found out after church that the Stake President (who is in our ward) announced my condition in his stake meetings this morning. Luckiily most people are asking DH about me - it's still a really hard thing for me to talk about.

Went to some of the kids' soccer games again. It was a pretty low key day.

I sent DH to work today. He was reluctant to go, but I assured him that I would be alright and that if anything came up I would call him and he could come back home. Unfortunately he works about 45 minutes away (and in the opposite direction of the Huntsman Institute), but I was pretty sure that I wouldn't have to go in for anything that day. It was nice to not have any tests or appointments finally.

I got a call from Nereida informing me that everything looked good from the lab work and that she was hoping to hear from their parent company on Monday if I was accepted into the trial. She also asked if I wanted her to setup an appointment with a surgeon to have a port installed. We had pretty much decided that that would be a good thing for me to do so I told her to go ahead and set that up for us.

Later that afternoon I got a call from the surgeon's office letting me know that they had me on the schedule to do the port for me on Tuesday - and to be prepared for it to be early in the morning, like 6 a.m. The receptionist gave me a number for the University Hospital to call on Monday after 2 p.m. to find out my surgery time for Tuesday. She also gave me the instructions for the surgery: no eating or drinking after midnight, no ibuprofen or aspirin, no makeup, no lotion, no jewelry, wear comfortable clothes, leave valuables at home or in the car.

Updated the bishop and other ward members of the official diagnosis and that we are okay with people being told of my condition as needed.

We met with Nereida who is in charge of the clinical trial at Huntsman. We agreed to participate in the trial and signed the necessary papers to get approval for that. I had to have an EKG done as well as some blood drawn to make sure that I qualify for the study. She also took me over to see the infusion room after we were through. I don't think I was emotionally prepared for that. All I saw in that room were people about twice my age who all looked sick. I did not feel like that was a place that I belonged. One of the nurses introduced herself to us and was answering a few questions about a port (I still hadn't made up my mind about getting one yet). The nurse then asked me when I would be starting my treatment and we said probably in the next week or two and then I lost it at that point. DH noticed me tearing up and grabbed my hand as we left the room. We then parted our ways with Nereida and she said she would be in contact with us as soon as everything was approved (or not) and hopefully have a starting treatment date of either the following Wednesday or at the latest, the Monday after that. She was hoping to hear by Monday if I would be accepted into the trial.

Later on that afternoon I called the person in charge of the clinical trial at Huntsman and asked what our next step was now that we had the officlal word from the biopsy. She setup an appointment to meet with her the next day to sign some papers and start the ball rolling toward treatment. While it was upsetting to officially hear that I have stage 4 cancer, it is nice to finally know what we are dealing with so we can start fighting this.

DH stayed home to work on his presentation that was to take place in the early afternoon. I don't carry my cell phone with me when I am at home and at one point I picked it up and looked at it and noticed that I had missed a call from Dr. Rhode. I'm not sure why she called my cell phone because on Friday she had contacted me on my home phone several times. She left a message on my cell phone informing me that the results from the liver biopsy were consistent with a metastatic tumor caused by ovarian cancer. I now have the official diagnosis of Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.

When I first heard that this is what I might have I did a little bit of looking on the internet and then decided that that wasn't a good thing to do. Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer is not curable. Once it has left the abdominal cavity through the blood stream, it can be anywhere in my body and impossible to totally cure. The doctors are very optimistic about my recovery because I am young and healthy, but it is something that will have to be constantly monitored for the rest of my life. The doctors at Huntsman said that people with the BRCA-1 mutation gene typically respond better to chemotherapy than those without the mutation so that works in my favor, but it is also most likely the reason that I have this disease at such a young age. They are confident that the chemotherapy will quickly shrink the tumors that I have and that there is a very good chance of a successful surgery to remove the tumors once I am finished with my third cycle of chemo treatment. We are looking at around the first two weeks of December for my surgery, provided everything goes well up to that point. After my third chemo cycle I will have a CT scan of my abdomen to make sure that things look good for surgery and then we will proceed from there.

This has all been hard to come to grips with. Aside from the occasional pain I get on my left side, I feel completely healthy! I've tried my whole life to refrain from things that I don't think are good for my body. All of my kids were born with natural, drug-free births and the last 5 were born at home! I rarely take medicine for anything. It seems so wrong that I have these tumors growing inside of me and if I don't do anything about them they will kill me! I have so much to live for and such young kids! I keep thinking that this is all some bad dream that I need to wake up from. It's shocking how much the course of my life has changed in just a month!

Meeting with my cancer team at Huntsman Cancer Institute. It feels a little weird meeting there when I don't have the results from the liver biopsy yet. My oncologist said she would call me with the results as soon as she heard, probably within a day or two of the biopsy. We had my cell phone out through the whole appointment hoping that we would get a call from her while we were there. Unfortunately we didn't. The meeting was really lengthy and involved. We received a ton of information and handouts, even a 3-ring binder with lots of information as well. They went over the information they had received from my oncologist at St. Mark's Hospital (Dr. Rhode) and went over the results as they saw them. One of the tests that I wasn't told the result of was a blood test called CA-125. This is a test for a specific marker in the blood that is consistent with ovarian cancer. The normal results are 35 and under, my number was over 5000... The medical team was pretty sure that I had cancer, but until the official results of the biopsy we would not move forward with any treatment. They discussed with us the clinical trial that they are currently conducting, but even without participating in the trial I would still have the option of receiving the same treatment. The trial basically consists of the patients being treated for ovarian cancer to be divided into two groups. The first group receives the standard chemo treatment every three weeks. The second group receives the same treatment, but one of the drugs is divided up and a third of the dose given each week, instead of all at once every three weeks. The study will monitor the side-effects experienced by the two groups to try and make a decision on which treatment is better overall, taking into account the quality of life and the effectiveness of the treatment in treating the cancer. Also as a part of this study you can opt to receive a third drug during your infusion which is an antibiotic to specifically target the blood supply to the cancerous tumors and kill them off and prevent them from forming. This drug is offered free of charge through this study and if the side-effects are too severe, you can choose to opt out of this at any time. They sent us home with all of the information and told us to call back with our decision after we get the results from the biopsy.

Another thing that they mentioned to us was the possibility of having a port-a-cath implanted in my chest so that I can have blood drawn through there and receive the chemo infusions through it instead of being poked in the arm each time. The weird part was that before they came in to talk to us DH was joking to me about possibly having something permanently installed in my arm so I wouldn't have to keep getting poked. They gave me a handout about it and talked about the advantages of it and that it is all under the skin so all you really see is a slightly raised circle where they would attach the needle each time (and you numb it up beforehand so you don't feel any of it).

All of this was somewhat overwhelming! They even gave me a catalog of hats, scarves and wigs to look through for when my hair falls out (typically 2-4 weeks after the first chemo treatment). The girls were quite interested in looking through the magazine to help me pick out a wig. The synthetic wigs are surprisingly cheap - only about $45 for a shoulder-length hairstyle. I really can't see myself wearing scarves, but there are some really cute hats in the magazine.

CT guided liver biopsy today at St. Mark's Hospital. It's sad when the receptionist at the outpatient desk recognizes you when you come in. This is my third day in the last week that I have been through here... There was a little bit of confusion at first on the test I was there to have done. Apparently the lab didn't inform someone that I was coming in so they weren't quite ready for me at first. Finally they took me back and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors to monitor my vital signs and had me sign all kinds of consent forms. With this method of biopsy they numbed me up some, gave me some type of drug some that I would be conscious, but not really feel much. They did a CT scan of my liver so they could mark the spot where the tumor is located so they can position the needle in the correct spot. Once they marked the spot, they did another quick CT scan to make sure the positioning was right and then inserted a long needle just under my right breast, into the liver to extract some of the tumor cells. After that I was taken back to the recovery room to be monitored for about the next 4 hours. They brought me a turkey sandwich and some soup for lunch since I had been able to eat yet at all since midnight. Unfortunately as it got close to my dismissal time, my left hip and leg started really hurting again. I tried changing my position a little, but could only move so much with everything I was hooked up to. The nurse noticed the pain I was in and had been left with instructions that she could give me some pain medication. So I agreed to take some and then I was free to go. We got home early afternoon.

With all of the drugs that were put into my system for the liver biopsy we decided that I needed to not breastfeed MJ at all that day and night until everything was out of my system. It was really hard because she loves the comfort that comes from her feedings. DH got her to bed that night and then got up with her when she woke up in the middle of the night. She was not at all happy to see him! He took her downstairs and forced some milk from a cup into her. Finally after struggling with her he managed to get her calmed down and then he put her back to bed. She immediately started screaming and cried probably for a good hour or so before she finally went back to sleep. Amazingly Kay and the other kids sleeping next door somehow slept through all of it.

I woke up feeling fine on Sunday so I decided to go to church. What better place to be then at church with my family on a Sunday? I have a hard time staying home when I can be with them and I am feeling alright. Plus I knew that not many people are aware of my situation at this point so I wouldn't be approached by too many people. I haven't told the rest of the primary presidency at this point so there were a couple of awkward moments where I was being a little non-committal about some things coming up in the next few weeks and wasn't quite sure how to respond to some questions. Other then that I only got a little teary when the Relief Society President came into primary and gave me a hug and said it was good to see me there.

After church I decided to email the rest of the primary presidency to fill them in on what was going on with me health wise. Other than that I haven't told many people yet. Still waiting on the official diagnosis from the biopsy scheduled for Monday.

Later on that evening I had some really severe pain in my abdomen/back/hip/leg all on the left side. I was finally able to get it under control with some acetaminophen and a heating pad. I think the ovarian tumor is able to move around inside of me and with all of the testing and manipulating I had done to it the previous week I think it got moved into a spot where it occasionally sits on the nerve going to my leg. While I was in my bedroom trying to manage the pain, DH had a family meeting with the kids to let them know a little what was going on with me and that I would probably have to go through some treatments that will make me sick before I will get better again. He also mentioned that my hair would most likely fall out and that really got the attention of a few of our girls, especially Blondie. He stresed the fact that the kids are going to have to step up some to help more around the house while we deal with my health issues. We feel that it is important to be upfront and honest with the kids so they aren't afraid to talk to us or ask questions. My only concern is how open they will be with sharing the news with others and what they will say based on their limited understanding!

Went to the kids' soccer games. I knew at this point that not many people know what's going on with me so I am able to fake it all pretty good. The kids are all on teams this year with friends from the neighborhood which is nice, but also causes me to run into people that I may not be ready to face yet. Our bishop was at Luke's soccer game and at one point I was moving my chair to be closer to the position Luke was playing and he came up to me to talk to me a little. I was able to stay pretty well composed and we just talked about the latest news and testing that I had coming up. He also has been letting me know (mostly through my husband) that I don't need to feel obligated to come to church if I am not able. At this point I hadn't quite decided if I would attend the next day or not.

By this time my parents have informed all of my siblings as to what is going on with me (of which they told me after the fact). I got a call Saturday night from my oldest sister wanting some clarification on what she had been told. After that I sent an email to all of my family letting them know all the details so they could have all the facts straight. At this point the only one in DH's family that knows is his father. His mother is currently out of town visiting his sister and it was decided to wait until she returned from the trip to inform her of my condition.

Go to St. Mark's hospital for the chest CT scan and breast MRI. No eating or drinking after midnight for the CT scan, but luckily I don't have to drink the barium drink again. For the MRI I had to wear clothes with no metal on them anywhere - no zippers, snaps, buttons, jewelry, etc. The CT scan was pretty easy and straight forward and quick. They put in an IV and then left it in so they could use the same one for the MRI. The tech put some tape over it so it would't come out and later I had some nice cuts in my arm from the tape cutting into my skin... The breast MRI was quite the experience. I had to lay down on the table face down and I wasn't allowed to move for the duration of the scan - about 25 minutes. They put earplugs in my ears and then ear muffs over that to protect my ears from the noises during the MRI. It was still pretty loud even with all of that protection. They don't let you listen to music and they don't talk to you at all during the procedure because they have found that it causes people to move more or get anxious if the techs haven't talked to them in a while. My biggest fear during the scan was that my abdomen or leg would start hurting during it and that I wouldn't be able to stand the pain during the procedure. Luckily I did fine during it and only got a little panicky at one point when I kept thinking about all of the implications of what I was currently enduring. The frustrating part about the MRI is that there is no way to tell how much time has gone by. I was just laying there hoping that we were getting close to finishing, but no way to tell at all!

My parents have been great with being there to help out with the kids during all of this. M&M had the day off of school and when we got home from the hospital the kids and my mom had finished putting up the rest of the Halloween decorations.

Later that afternoon we got a call from my oncologist saying that she had the results for the scans that day as well as the lab work from Wednesday. Finally she had some good news for me! The chest CT scan and breat MRI both looked just fine and my kidney and liver function tests all came back normal except for one for the liver - which can be caused by other factors such as breastfeeding. She also had been in contact with some cancer treatment groups in the area and found that I may qualify for a clinical trial at Huntsman Cancer Institute and she strongly recommended that I talk with the doctor in charge of the study to see if we would be interested in it. She also wanted to schedule a liver biopsy for me ASAP so we can get a definitive diagnosis on my condition before we move forward on a course of treatment. The oncologist sounded much more optimistic with the good test results and it definitely helped to improve my spirits.

I got a call not too much later letting me know what time to show up for my liver biopsy on Monday. They also gave me instructions for the procedure - stop taking any kind of ibuprofen or aspirin (Tylenol is okay), no eating or drinking after midnight Sunday night. I needed to show up at the hospital at 9:45 in the morning and to plan on being there most of the day - I will have to stay for observations for about 4 hours after the procedure to make sure there is no internal bleeding.

I also got a call from the Huntsman Cancer Institute asking us to come in Tuesday morning to meet with the Cancer team in charge of the clinical trial. I asked if there was any way we could meet on Wednesday instead, but with their schedules that was the only time that week they could get me in. DH had a research conference for work scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday of that week and he was doing a presentation during it. He was originally scheduled to present on Wednesday but when my surgery was scheduled for that day he contacted the organizer and asked if he could be moved to Tuesday instead... DH was out picking up the kids from their piano lessons so I called him as soon as I got off the phone with Huntsman. As soon as he got home, he checked the schedule for the conference and it looked like they still had him scheduled for Wednesday.

Pretty much an emotional wreck off and on throughout the day. DH stayed home from work to be my support person. The soonest they can get me in for the breast MRI and chest CT scan is Friday so it is a pretty low key day. During this whole time the kids are off-track (except for our oldest) so it's difficult in some ways to get some peace and quiet. At this point we decide that I need to wean MJ, our one year old. This is a pretty emotional decision for me because I have loved nursing all of my kids and have nursed all of them to at least 18 months (MJ is almost 15 months). She doesn't really need it anymore, it is more of a comfort thing for her. She loves to be nursed to sleep for naps and bedtime and then throughout the day, especially when she is upset. I also have lots of thoughts throughout the day about possibly not being around to see the kids grow up and them having to deal with me being sick as I go through treatments. I get the most upset when I think about everything the kids and my husband will have to go through as I deal with this illness.

I spent some time doing some cleaning and organizing of our storage room and getting Halloween decorations put up throughout the house. This kids really enjoyed doing this and it was fun watching their excitement over all of the fun decorations and wanting to help. I figure while I have the energy I need to get as much done as I can to get the house in order before I am laid up from the upcoming surgery.

Sent DH to work because I was feeling fine and didn't have anything scheduled for the day. He had some people visiting the office from out of town and had missed them from the previous day because of my appointment. I got a call a little later that morning telling me that the oncologist wanted me to come in at noon that day. I asked what for and she said she didn't know. I called my mom to see if she could come and watch the kids for me and then called DH at work. He offered to come home to go with me to the oncologist, but I felt that I would be fine and could go on my own. I said a little prayer on the way over and felt a calm feeling that things would be okay.

When the oncologist called me back to meet with her, it was anything but good news. She told me that she had the results from the CT scan and the X-ray and she had been shocked by the findings. A large mass was found in my liver and the tumor on the ovaries is compressing one of my kidneys, limiting the outflow of it. I asked if the liver could be operated on and she said that the amount of liver affected is too large to remove without damaging the function of the liver. I asked if there was a chance that this was non-cancerous and she said there was a slight chance, but the results were consistent with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer - meaning that it has spread beyond the abdominal cavity through the blood stream. She mentioned that she had consulted with the other doctor in her practice as well as some other colleagues in the area and they all agreed that we needed to cancel the surgery and go straight to chemotherapy in the hopes of shrinking everything enough that they could operate successfully and even hopefully remove the mass in the liver.

She also said that they could not make out any semblace of an ovary on either side - the tumor is basically taking over everything. The doctor was also slightly concerned with my chest X-ray and wanted to order a breast MRI and a chest CT scan since they can both be done when breastfeeding. They also sent me to get some blood drawn to run some tests to check my liver and kidney function.

I actually did fine emotionally until the end. I just sat there across from the doctor and said, "I am healthy and strong. I feel fine. I'm 35 years old with 6 young kids. I just had a baby a little over a year ago. I just don't understand how this could be happening to me...". I was still able to keep myself composed until I left the hospital and got into my car to drive home. Then I noticed a text from my husband wanting to be updated on what was going on. I sent him a text and then he called and said he would meet me at home.

Once I got home I told my mom the update (and once again was able to stay composed). I told her that DH was on his way home so she could leave. Once DH came home I was pretty much an emotional wreck the rest of the day... Luckily our Primary President wisely postponed our presidency meeting scheduled for that evening and even brought over a dinner for our family!

Appointment with the Gynecological Oncologist. She was a really nice lady who seemed very optimistic about my recovery and options. We discussed the implications if it is cancer or not and then she did some examinations on me. She could feel the tumor, and was pleased that it seemed about to move around so it did not appeared to be anchored to anything major. We scheduled an abdominal CT scan and chest X-ray for later that day and then scheduled a surgery to remove the tumor for Wednesday of the following week. At this point things seemed very optimistic and positive.

After drinking 2 full bottles of barium, I was ready for the CT scan. I was given a choice of the flavors I could drink: vanilla, banana and berry flavor. I chose berry flavor, but when the lady checked she only had one berry flavor that was chilled so she gave me that and then she had me pick another flavor so I chose the vanilla (she said that the drinks taste much better when they are chilled). We ran home to check up with the family for a few minutes and grab some lunch for DH (I had to fast until after the scan). I thought that the vanilla flavor started out tasting okay but by the end I was having a hard time getting it down. I thought that the berry tasted much better, but still had a gross aftertaste. We then left to go to the imaging center, I had the chest X-ray first and then I had the CT scan. Then we went back home.

Our ward had an Activity Days Achievement Night for the 8-11 year old girls and I tried attending it with DH and Blondie, but I started feeling really awful once we got there and the room was super hot - I was afraid I was going to pass out. I ended up leaving not too long into the meeting and the Primary President came up to DH afterwards and asked him if I was alright, so he filled her in on what was going on with my health as we knew it at the time. DH gave permission for the Primary President to inform the Bishop and Relief Society President, who both called DH later that evening.

At this point we didn't want to share the news with too many people until we had all the facts and questions answered as far as my diagnosis and the treatment I would need. We have told the kids that there is something growing inside of me that shouldn't be there (the tumor) so the doctors are going to perform surgery to remove it. Depending on how involved the surgery ends up being, I will be in the hospital overnight for at least one night and possibly up to three or four. Not looking forward to that at all...

Rough weekend when you have this possible news looming over you. I try to be strong for the kids, but had several days/nights that were rough. It was General Conference weekend and there were some great talks, sometimes I had a hard time concentrating on them. Went to a couple of soccer games on Saturday.

Met with the OB/GYN again today. I had to wait a little while because he was at a delivery in the hospital next door. He had very concerning news to give me and had a hard time getting it out. They found a tumor on my left ovary and it is fairly substantial in size. Based on the ultrasound report it had fluid in it as well as some vascular portions that were concerning. He also said that the blood test had elevated levels that could indicate cancer - but could also be a result of other things. He then encouraged me to get an appointment with a gynecelogical oncologist because studies have shown that if this is cancer, the outcome is much improved if treated by a specialist.

He sent me back out to the receptionist to set up an appointment with a specialist ASAP. He recommended a group that works out of St. Mark's, so once we found that my insurance covers them I set up an appointment for the following Tuesday (the soonest they could get me in).

I was pretty okay emotionally at this point, but once I got back to my car I had a little cry before I headed back home. My husband was already home whe I got there and he jokingly said to me, "So, you've got cancer?". Unfortunately that was not the right thing to say at the time, so I naturally broke out in tears...

Came home from driving someone somewhere and had a message on the answering machine from the OB/GYN. He wants me to come into the office to discuss the results of the ultrasound. At this point I still think it is just routine. I don't feel nervous about having to go back in - just a little annoyed that they won't just give me the results over the phone. I call the office back and make an appointment for the following day.

Ultrasound today. I seriouly felt like calling and canceling the appointment because I have felt fine since I met with the OB/GYN. They had me drink a ton of water before the appointment and I was just about ready to burst before hey finally called me back for the ultrasound. The tech started with the standard ultrasound on my abdomen, then she thankfully let me use the restroom, followed by an internal ultrasound - not comfortable at all. The tech gave me no results or hints about anything that she may or may not have found. She aked me at one point how long I had had the pain and I said off and on for about 1 1/2 months - around the beginning of August. When she was finished, I got dressed and went home.