Another clear CT scan!  I feel like my Huntsman team is super relieved every time I have a clear scan - almost like they are expecting each time to have to give me bad news.  So I will keep praying and crossing my fingers that something I am doing is working and that the cancer won't come back.  We had a talk about the radiation from the CT scans and they keep saying that the radiologists agree that the amount that I am receiving is acceptable.  My doctor said that she has yet to see anyone present themselves with cancer that was caused by radiation - although how she would know that it was not radiation that caused it, I'm not sure...  She also said though that in the field of radiology they are constantly improving their methods and the technology so that the amount of radiation that the body is exposed to is significantly less than it was even a few years ago.  She also said that any studies that she could pull up on radiation exposure would most likely be out of date already.  I guess that part of it makes me feel better.  Also, since Huntsman specializes in cancer treatments, they use the absolute minimum amount of radiation needed for each scan.  Apparently other facilities that don't specialize in cancer may use more.  I asked if they would have me doing this many scans if I was not on the study and she said that we would probably do them twice a year because of the advanced stage of my cancer when I was diagnosed.  She also said that she had talked with my surgeon about her concerns for the number of scans.  My doctor is hesitant to have me quit the study that I am on because then I would lose the Avastin which appears to be doing what they want it to - keeping the cancer away.  They said that they have other patients in similar situations that they can't get the Avastin for because it is not approved by the FDA for ovarian cancer.

After my appointment was over I went to the infusion room for my Avastin infusion.  While I was there the counselor that works with my doctor's group came over and had a talk with me to see how I am doing.  We talked some about my Avastin treatments and my concerns over the study that I am on.  I think that my biggest concern is that we really don't know if the Avastin is really doing any good or if it is maybe causing some other problems that will present themselves later on in my life.  I am still young and want to be as healthy as I can for as long as I can be!

Pretty routine CT scan today - if I can even call it that.  I decided to do the alternative to the barium drink again - that stuff just does not agree with my digestive system.  It's something that they mix with sterile water and I haven't had the same problems that I have had with the barium.  It does have quite a nasty taste though so I'm glad that they allow you to mix some Crystal Light with it.  I have to get there a little earlier though so that I can get the drink there and start drinking it.  I decided to have them keep my port accessed since I will have an infusion tomorrow.

Well, yesterday I had a dentist appointment and things are not looking good with my mouth...  I have been very good about brushing and flossing since a few years ago when I had to have some extensive dental work done and I have been going to the dentist regularly - at least twice a year.  Well, yesterday the dentist found 5 cavities on my teeth and he said that I had more plaque build-up than he has ever seen on my teeth...  He kept making comments on how damaging to the mouth a lot of these cancer drugs are.  This is making me question even more if I want to stay on the Avastin or not...  I have to go back in to get the cavities drilled out and filled and the dentist is putting me on a prescription fluoride toothpaste.  He said that if that doesn't work at keeping the cavities at bay then we may have to switch to me sleeping with fluoride trays on my teeth at night.  He said that he has several other patients who have had dental problems while undergoing cancer treatments and a couple of them he has had to switch to the fluoride trays.  Definitely more to think about now...

I contacted my Huntsman group through email today asking about my upcoming CT scan next Tuesday.  I'm a little concerned with all of the scans that my body has been through over the last year and I know that my surgeon is concerned with the frequency of the abdominal CT scans right now.  The nurse called me back and we discussed it a little.  If I decide that I don't want to have the scans every three months then I will have to drop out of the study that I am in - which means no more IV infusions of the Avastin every 3 weeks (at least not paid for by the study).  Right now it is something that I am considering.  Every time I talk to any kind of doctor and mention how often my scans are, the response is universal:  That's a lot of radiation...  I was at the kids' pediatrician yesterday and she said the same thing, which is making me question the frequency as well.  My other question for my oncologist was that if I wasn't in this study, would she recommend the same frequency of scans.  Unfortunately the nurse did not give me a satisfactory answer.  It was something to the effect of she might, but it would all depend on the status of the cancer of the body - which for me is non-detectible - if there is any...  My gut feeling is that my doctor would not prescribe this many scans for me if I wasn't in the study - the nurse is just trying to give a non-committal answer.  A few visits ago when I was at my surgeon's office I asked her what the standard treatment would be if I was at her office alone and she said that it would maybe be scans once a year at the most.  Most likely they would only order a scan if there was some other indication that the cancer was coming back - such as abdominal pain or bloating or my CA-125 number rising.

I asked the nurse what the protocol is for scans for the study I am on.  She talked to the study coordinator and found out that it is abdominal scans every 3 months for the first two years (from the date of my last chemo session).  Then it is every 6 months for the 3 years following that and then it goes to yearly.  I am free to drop out of the study at any time.  I guess the question I need to think about and decide is if I think the benefits of the tests and the Avastin outweigh any possible side-effects that may come my way.

I had my Avastin infusion yesterday morning.  No lab work needed to be done so it was a relatively quick appointment.  The only hiccup was when the nurse came to deaccess my port.  The two of us were talking about books that our boys were reading and she pulled out the needle and after a few seconds she glanced down and noticed that there was blood pouring out of my port!  By the time we noticed there was a problem it was all over the front of my shirt.  She quickly put the bandaid on it and then applied pressure to my port.  After a minute or two it had stopped and the nurses put a big piece of gauze and a large bandaid over it.  The nurse who had deaccessed me said that she had never seen a port do that before, but another nurse said that it happens every once in a while so she didn't seem too concerned.  I wonder if the Avastin is causing my blood to take longer to coagulate.  I will have to mention it to my doctor the next time I come in.

Here is a picture of my shirt when I came home.  The nurse felt really bad and offered me some hydrogen peroxide to use there at Huntsman, but I didn't want to have to go home with a wet shirt so I declined.

This morning when I took the bandaid off I noticed that the skin covering my port was all yellow - I'm not sure if that is bruising from the pressure on it yesterday or if it is blood under the skin.  I will just have to keep an eye on it.

I'm reminded again today just have fragile life is...

On my drive to my infusion this morning (I left around 6:15 a.m.), I heard a news report on the radio that there had been an auto-pedestrian accident at an intersection very close to my house.  I didn't think much about it until my husband called around 8:00 a.m. to tell me that that section of road was blocked off (and this was more than an hour after I first heard about the accident).  I looked around on the internet to see if I could find any news reports on the accident and the only thing I found was what I already knew.  Then on my drive home I purposely drove by that section of road and it was still blocked off - there was a fire truck there and they were hosing down a section of the road.  When I got home I found that the news report had been updated and that it was a middle school gym teacher who was jogging to school and had been hit and killed!  I knew immediately that it was M&M's gym teacher.  He is in our church stake and I have frequently seen him jogging to or from the school for work.  He has been teaching at the school for 17 years.  We have seen him frequently outside of the school setting at church events and he has a son that was in the marching band with M&M.  Right after I had read that news report I got a message from M&M confirming that it was in fact her teacher.  This was her response after I asked a few questions:

"It was really sad, we passed it on our way to seminary. A couple of girls in our class were there when it happened, and when they came in they were shaking, so when our class found out it was pretty much dead silent."

I had just been commenting over the last month or two about how neat (and strange at the same time) it was to see so many people that we associate with on a non-church level at church functions.  I have seen M&M's gym teacher at numerous events both with the church and marching band in the last little while.  Even though I did not associate with him on a personal level, I am saddened to think about those people that he was close to and how it will affect them.  It really brings to home the fact that life is so very fragile and any of us can be taken home to our Heavenly Father at any time.  That fact hit me really hard last year when I was first diagnosed with cancer and even though my life has been prolonged for the moment, it is events like these that make me realize that I need to be grateful for every second that is given to me and spend my time and energy on those things and people that are most important to me.  

My thoughts and prayers are with this teacher's family & friends at this time.  I hope they will find peace and feel of Heavenly Father's love.

Had a pretty full day today.  I started out with my mom coming over to watch the kids for me so I could go to my appointment with my surgeon.  It was a pretty routine visit and everything looks fine as far as she can tell.  (Although my blood pressure always seems to be really high when I am in that office!)  I think she is a little concerned with how often I am having CT scans done, but it is because of the study that I am on...  I'm not sure if there is much I can do about that...

After my doctor's visit I went to get my second haircut.  The lady that has been cutting my hair said that my hair in the front just isn't growing as quickly as the hair in the back and on the sides.  That is something that I had noticed as well but I thought that maybe I was just imagining it!  She cut a little more off of the back and sides since it has grown so much since my last visit - already 6 weeks ago!  I was definitely feeling shaggy again!  I especially don't like the hair around my ears when it gets long!  My hairdresser thinks that I will probably need one or two more cuts before it is all an even length on the top.  Then I'll need to decide if I want to keep this length or not.

After my hair appointment I fed the girls lunch and then my dad came over to watch the girls while I went to the dermatologist for a follow-up appointment.  The dermatologist was really pleased with how my side was healing and said that she didn't think we needed to do anything more to it unless I start to feel it coming back.  She then asked if there was anything else that she could do for me and I asked her about a couple of red, raised spots that I have had on my skin for years.  She said that they could be easily removed and that she could do it right then if I wanted.  So she numbed up both spots and scraped them off and then bandaged them up.  One of the spots is on my chest and whenever I would wear a lower cut shirt MJ in particular would play with it whenever she was sitting in my lap.  I was given some vaseline to keep the spots from drying out and told to keep them covered.  Apparently dermatologists are finding that people are becoming sensitive to many of the topical creams out there so they just recommend that you put vaseline on any spots that need to heal instead of something like Neosporin or some of the other creams out there.  I thought that that was interesting.

After my dermatologist visit I got home and was able to sit down for just a few minutes before M&M came home and I needed to take her to get her hair cut - it has been a long while for her and I have always been the one to cut it.  I thought that she might like a more professional cut this time (plus she wanted some bangs) so I took her to the lady in the neighborhood that has been cutting mine - nice and convenient.

Then I came home and made dinner, rushed off to a pack meeting for our cub scout pack and then rushed off to the last hour of my Sounds of the Season rehearsal.  I am loving playing with this group again - I missed it last year - and they actually needed a bassoon this year so we are having M&M play with us as well.  It's been pretty fun playing with her and helping her out with the music.  She is doing really good for being as young as she is and having not even been playing bassoon for 2 years yet!

It was a super busy day today!!

Here is a really good talk given by Brad Wilcox about the Grace of Jesus Christ - excellent analogy and explanation.

Things have been a little crazy lately.  I keep hearing of more and more people diagnosed with different types of cancer...  There are two people close to our family right now that are dealing with cancer - one is currently going through chemo treatments for breast cancer and the other is going through lots of testing and scans right now to determine if it is cancer and how best to treat it.  The second person is undergoing a major surgery today.  All of this has been bringing back so many memories of what I went through a little over a year ago now...  I remember so clearly all of the tests and scans and doctors' visits and phone calls with more bad news - just when you have been hoping and praying that you would finally get the good news that you have been wanting so desperately to hear...  Even though I have gone through (and continue to go through) some similar experiences, I still don't know what to say to people in the middle of it.  Each type of cancer is a little bit different and each personal experience is different as well.  Our family's thoughts and prayers are with each of you right now.

Got my results from the breast MRI - no sign of anything abnormal.  Those are the results that I like to hear!

My CA-125 number is now down to 19!

I've had a little bit of eye-twitching in my left eye once again.  It comes and goes.  Not sure if it is related to the infusion or not.

Went in for a Breast MRI this morning, followed up by a dr's appt with my oncologist at Huntsman and then an infusion.  I had to be at the clinic at 7:30 a.m. for lab work and then went over for my MRI appt at 8:15.  I was a little nervous about the MRI because the one I had a year ago wasn't very pleasant.  For the breast MRI you have to lay face down on the table and then you go inside the machine backwards.  This one was actually not too bad.  I definitely prefer the way they do the scan at Huntsman to the way it was done at St. Mark's last year.  At St. Mark's they told me that they would not be able to talk to me at all during the scan and I wasn't allowed to listen to any music - they just had head phones on my ears to dampen the sound of the scan.  At first it wasn't too bad but then you lose all sense of time and at one point I almost started to panic, wondering when it would be over.  At Huntsman the lady put me on the table and made sure that I was comfortable and then she said there would be a series of 4 scans - the first three were about 4-6 minutes each and then the last one would be the longest at 8-9 minutes.  She said that she would talk to me in-between each one and then she let me pick what kind of music I wanted to listen to.  It was definitely a much more pleasant experience!

Once my scan was done I had almost 2 hours before my dr's appt.  So I walked over to the waiting room for my clinic and then just sat there doing some work on my ipad and reading.  About 45 minutes before my appt I checked in just in case they were running ahead of schedule.  They called me right back, not realizing that I had already had my lab work done.  They weighed me and took my temperature and blood pressure and my heart rate and then sent me back out to the waiting room for a little while longer.  They when they called me back again I had to wait quite a while before anyone came in to see me.  I had the fellow doctor that I saw back in March again and he did the initial exam before the doctor came in.  Everyone was curious to take a look at my side where I had the sore.  At first my doctor was all concerned about it and telling me that next time I should make sure to call them first and go in to see one of their doctors at Huntsman.  Then when she finally realized that I had gone to a dermatologist at the Huntsman center's satellite office (which is much closer to me), she was much happier and pleased about it.  They were able to pull up the results from the lab work done on my side and print it out for me.  Apparently it was officially diagnosed as a type of cyst.  My oncologist said that if the dermatologist needed to do some minor surgery on the site, it shouldn't be a problem with the Avastin that I am on.

After my dr's appt, I had a little bit of time before my infusion so I went up to the eatery and got myself something to eat for lunch.  Then I went down and checked in for my infusion.  I didn't have too long to wait before they called me back.  I have now become one of those people in the infusion room that I used to envy - those that come in, get their treatment and then leave in less than an hour!  Today they got my Avastin really quickly, even the nurse was surprised.  I was finally in and out in less than an hour!  It was very nice!

The new antibiotic that I am on for the sore on my side makes me a little bit nauseous for about 30-60 minutes right after taking it.  Thankfully I only have to take it twice a day and I just have another day and a half left of it.  The hole is finally starting to close up so I just stopped wearing a bandaid over it a day or two ago.  Hopefully my skin will recover quickly from wearing a constant bandaid on that spot. I need to call the dermatologist to schedule a follow-up appointment for sometime next week.  It still feels like there is a little bit of a hard spot under the skin so I won't be surprised if they want to cut me open a little more to remove it all...

I feel like my hair is getting shaggy again.  I'm still debating with myself as to how long or short I want to keep it.  DH likes it the length it is right now and there are definitely benefits to it.  It looks pretty crazy in the mornings when I wake up so on the mornings where I have to drive Blondie to orchestra before school I usually put a hat on my head.  This morning after I came back home and took the hat off, Kay saw me and said, "Whoa Mom!  Crazy hair!"  Here's a picture of it this morning:

Finally got a call from the dermatologist yesterday evening.  She said that the results were back from the culture that was done on my sore and it is not infected at all.  It was just normal gram positive rod bacteria that is present in everyone's skin - no infection whatsoever.  So after looking at it under the microscope they are pretty sure that what happened was I had a small cyst just under the skin and something happened which caused it to rupture and the redness and pain that I was experiencing was just inflammation.  The doctor told me that she was going to put me on a new antibiotic that is specifically for treating inflammation instead of the one I was on which was for infection.  It is still draining slightly so I am still keeping a bandaid over the spot.  The doctor told me to come back in about 3-4 weeks and then she would take a look at it again and decide if we needed to do anything more to treat it.

My left eye has been twitching off and on ever since my infusion last Wednesday.  I'm not sure if it's related or not but I want to document it.

The sore on my left side has been slowly getting better.  It was still oozing quite a bit for the first two days and I had to put a bandage and gauze on to prevent it from bleeding on my clothes.  There is still a red circle and it feels a little hard still underneath the skin so I'm not sure if that is infection in it still or something else.  I am still waiting for a call from the dermatologist to let me know the results of the cultures.  It feels a ton better though and there is just a little tenderness right at the location.  In addition to that though my skin is getting really irritated with the bandaids I have been having to wear at that same spot for the last week...  It was really itching me yesterday.

My kids have been off-track from school the last couple of weeks and so I signed them up for morning swim lessons to give us something to do.  It wasn't until I had signed them up that I realized that I had my next infusion on the morning of their last day of swim lessons.  My infusion was originally scheduled for 8:30 a.m. but I decided to see if they could reschedule it for 7 a.m. so that I would have a chance of getting home in time to take them to their lessons.  So I was up dark and early this morning so that I could leave the house by 6:15.  I had a backup plan in case I wasn't going to be back in time.  I had DH take Blondie to orchestra rehearsal and then had lined up someone to pick her up from that and bring her home.  Luckily it was probably one of my quicker infusion appointments and I was out of there in a little under 2 hours.  I'm thinking I may reschedule all of my infusions to 7:00!

When the nurse came to access my port she asked me about a wound culture that had been ordered the previous day (my visit to the dermatologist).  I explained what the wound was and she then proceeded with my port.  Apparently there is a new procedure now that they are starting where I have to put on a mask while the nurse is accessing me - since she has to put one on as well.  It seems kind of weird and a waste, but that is hospital procedure for you...

When I woke up this morning my side was still oozing a bit so I changed the bandage again.  It is still pretty sore but feeling better.  Hopefully I will get results of the lab work soon...

I would like to preface this post by saying that if you are at all queasy about medical things, you may want to skip this one...  And also all I can say is that my life is far from boring medically speaking...

About a week ago my right side started hurting and I was trying to remember if I had injured it in some way.  It was really starting to bother me so I asked my husband to look at it to see if there was a bruise or something there that he could see.  The spot was located just a couple of inches below my armpit and more toward my back so I was having a hard time seeing it.  When he looked at it he thought that it looked like a pimple that was trying to form in that spot.  So I didn't think much more about it and kept looking at it every once in a while to see if the pimple had formed yet.  Then Sunday evening came around and it was really starting to hurt - very sensitive to the touch and there was a small red round spot at the location.  That night I tried some ice on it to see if the swelling and pain would decrease at all.  On Monday it wasn't much better and probably got a little worse.  By this time it was a bit bigger and incredibly painful - even to move that arm much.  After doing some looking on the internet that night I decided to try some heat on it and that seemed to help some.  In the morning it didn't hurt quite as much but the spot seemed to be the same size.  I decided that I should probably see if I could setup an appointment with a dermatologist.  Luckily I was able to find one that could see me at 5:00 that day.

After I gave the dermatologist the short rundown of my medical history, she took a look at the spot and I think was quite surprised by how big it was...  Her first impression was that it was just a large abscess.  She asked if I wanted her to try cutting a small hole in the top of it to see if she could get some of the infection out.  She wasn't sure if we would get a lot out but thought that it was worth a try.  That sounded great to me at this point.  So she had me lay down on my left side and then numbed the spot up with some lidocaine.  That really hurt - the needle felt really sharp and stung a little.  Then she cut a hole in it and was surprised by how much pus came out.  She then tried pushing around the whole spot to try and get as much out as she could.  That hurt like crazy!!  She kept asking if I was alright or if I needed to take a break.  I had her stop twice to give me a minute to relax a little...  She then asked if I was okay with her cutting the hole slightly larger so that she could try and get more out without having to push so hard.  She put a little more lidocaine on the spot and then resumed her pushing.  At one point I heard her ask the nurse for some forceps - so I'm not exactly sure what she was doing back there but I didn't feel like asking either.  She made a comment once that just when she thought she had gotten most of the infection out, more would start coming.  Then she said that she wondered if instead of an abscess it was a cyst located just below the skin that had ruptured and then become infected.  They took several tissue samples so they could culture it and she said they would look at it under a microscope as well.  Finally the doctor said that she thought they had most of it since it was mostly blood coming out at that point.  They cleaned and bandaged me up and said that they would leave the hole open to allow the wound to continue to drain.  The doctor said that if it turns out to be a cyst like she suspects then I may have to come back in so they can cut me open more so they can remove all of it and then stitch me back up (sounds like fun, huh?).  The nurse sent me home with some more bandages and some vaseline to apply to it when I change the bandage.  The doctor also gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to take and said that they would call me in a couple of days once they had the results from the cultures.

I then went down to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and then went out to my car to drive home.  As soon as I climbed into my car I just started crying because that procedure had hurt so bad - and was still hurting!  I was able to regain my compose after a minute or so and was able to get myself home.  The doctor had offered to give me a prescription for a painkiller but I thought that I would be alright with just over-the-counter stuff.  After I got home I took a couple of Tylenol and within the hour I felt much better.

Later this evening I emailed my doctor's group at Huntsman to let them know what had happened at the Dermatologist's office and asking if it was alright for me to be on this antibiotic with my Avastin treatments (of which I have one tomorrow morning).  I'm curious what the results will be from the cultures and hopefully this spot will continue to feel better and not get an infection.

When I went to change into my pajamas tonight I found out that the wound had bled/drained quite a bit and totally saturated the bandaid the nurse had put on and there was blood on over my underclothes...  I had DH come up and help me take the bandaid off and clean it up a little and put a new bandaid on.  Then I taped a piece of gauze over it so that hopefully I will not get any blood on my clothes or sheets tonight...

One year and counting...

A year ago today I was officially given the diagnosis of Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.  What a difference a year can make...  After 6 treatments of chemotherapy and major abdominal surgery I am still alive and feel great!  It seems kind of surreal at times to think what I have gone through during this past year - and starting almost a month before this with multiple tests and scans to come to the official diagnosis.  It's been weird going through things right now that a year ago I had such a different outlook on - Stake Conference, General Conference, Sounds of the Season Christmas concert (which I will be playing the flute & piccolo in again this year - yea!), Halloween, soccer season...  Even though I don't think my energy level is quite back up to normal, I feel so much better all the way around than I did a year ago.  Things right now are looking good and I hope & pray that in another year from now I can say the same thing!!  Thanks for all of the support and prayers from everyone!!

Haircut!!  Yesterday I got my hair cut.  It seems totally contrary to what I would want to do, but my hair was getting way too shaggy and unkept looking.  Now it actually looks like it has some shape to it and like I meant to have my hair this length.  I think I need to play around with it a little more and see if I can get it to look like it has a little more volume on top, but on the whole I like it a lot better.  Most of the hair that was cut was on the sides and back.  Now I just need the top to grow some more.  I still haven't decided what length I would like to have in the long run, but right now this is a super easy hairdo to fix in the mornings!  And I didn't know that there were so many choices as far as style goes for short hair.  I need to look more closely at how other people wear their hair and figure out what style I like best for me.

The person who cut my hair was surprised at how even my hair has grown all the way around.  I guess a lot of people who have lost their hair due to chemotherapy have had it come back in clumps and not evenly.  I have been pretty lucky as far as that is concerned.

My lower left jawbone/gums have been bugging me off and on the last couple of days.  I've been using some essential oils on it and it will go away and then come back a day or two later.  I try not to take medicine for it unless absolutely necessary.  One thing is certain though - there are not too many things that will put me in a foul mood quicker than my teeth hurting!  When I realize that I am starting to get short-tempered and cranky with the kids I know that it is time to take something for the pain!  My gums have also been bleeding a little when I brush them.

The cut on my arm is slowly healing.  I think my body is taking longer to heal since I started my infusions...

Here is some evidence that my hair is getting quite a bit longer:

Isn't that some awesome bed head?? 

My rash is almost completely gone after I switched to using a hydrocortisone cream on it.  I guess it is not related to the Avastin at all.  I wish I knew what had caused it though.  Then tonight I went to the grocery store and had to reach up to get something off of the top shelf and on the way down I scraped my arm on something sharp on the corner of the shelf and gave myself a nice long gash on my arm in the same exact place as my rash.  My arm looks terrible right now!

The nurse for my infusion commented at one point while we were waiting for the Avastin that the pharmacy for the trial study drugs always seem to take longer than the ones from the regular pharmacy. I didn't know that there were two separate pharmacies.  I guess I know now that people there for regular infusions not associated with a trial usually don't have to wait as long as me...  When the nurse finally got the Avastin she brought it over and commented to me that she was just looking at my scans and they looked really good.  She seemed really excited about that.  DH and I thought it was a little strange that she had been looking at my scans but maybe her excitement means that it is not uncommon at my stage in treatments to have the cancer growing back at this point.  I'm hesitant to ask my doctors or nurses anything about that because I don't want to get any false hopes up.  Plus they will probably say that there is no way to know at this point whether it will come back or not, we just take it one scan and test at a time.

The infusion went pretty quickly and then we were on our way.  All of the hospitals up near Huntsman are connected through tunnels so we decided to try and make our way through the various hospitals to get back to the Trax station instead of using the shuttle.  We were able to find our way without too much difficulty and we made it to the Trax station just as the train was getting ready to pull out!  It was perfect timing.  We made it hope relatively quickly and got there before the younger kids got home from school.

Got a clear report for my CT scan today.  That's 3 in a row (actually 4 if you count the one immediately following my surgery).  I guess you can say that I have been 6 months cancer free now.  First I need to make it to the 2 year mark to be in remission and then the 5 year mark to be considered really cancer-free.  Keeping our fingers crossed and happy thoughts!!

DH and I decided to try taking the UTA Trax to my appointment today.  We figured that it would take about an hour train ride from the stop near our house and then 15-20 minutes to get from the last stop to the Huntsman center.  My mom got to our house a little more than an hour and a half before my appointment.  DH and I walked to the station and made it with about a minute or two to spare.  It took a little over 50 minutes to get to the last stop and then we crossed the street to the bus stop in front of Primary Children's Medical Center.  While I was trying to figure out if that was the right place to catch the campus bus to the Huntsman center, the shuttle bus that we needed pulled up and it was just a short drive up to our stop.  We got to the clinic about 30 minutes before my appointment - pretty good timing!!

Once we got to the clinic I checked in and figured that we would have to wait for a little bit before they took us back, but we had just barely sat down in the waiting room when they called my name.  Once we were put into one of the examination rooms, it wasn't too long before one of the doctors came in and looked me over and then my main doctor came in.  They asked if I wanted a flu shot and I said that I would think about it and let them know next time I come in.  I showed them the rash on my arm and they don't think that it is related to my treatments but to keep an eye on it - and try some hydrocortisone cream on it.  I have been using a Benadryl cream on it but I'm not sure if it has hydrocortisone in it or not.  I will have to check when I get home.  I also mentioned my bleeding gums and they said to just keep and eye on that as well.  Maybe I need to make an appointment with my dentist (althought that is not one of my more favorite places to visit).  One thing that they didn't give me was my CA-125 number.  I may have to call into the office tomorrow to find that out.

We got finished with the doctor pretty quickly and then went up to the cafe to get some lunch before we headed to the infusion room.  Now I am just waiting for the Avastin from the pharmacy so they can get it started.

I had my 3-month CT scan today.  When I set up the appointment several weeks ago I asked if I could try the other oral contrast drink that is supposed to be a little gentler on the stomach.  I was told that that was fine but I would have to come in an hour and a half before my appointment and I would have to drink the contrast there at the clinic.  So today my parents came over to watch the girls (after I mowed the back lawn and put fertilizer on both the front and back).  I got there almost 2 hours early and went to get the contrast drink.  Apparently it is just something that they mix with a bottle of distilled water and then you drink it.  I was told beforehand that you could bring a single serving packet of Crystal Light powder to add to it to help improve the flavor.  I made sure to ask about that when they gave it to me and they said that it shouldn't really have much taste but I could if I wanted to.  Well, I did try it and it did have kind of a weird taste, so after a few sips I decided to mix the Crystal Light with it.  I then went to the clinic to have my port accessed and labs drawn.  That went relatively quickly.  Usually they need to get a urine sample as well and I asked about that and the nurse said that it wasn't on the order but she would ask about it before I came back.   I then went back to the radiology waiting room to drink the contrast and wait for them to call me back for the scan.  I read some in the book I am reading while waiting - and I was freezing!  It felt really cold to me in the waiting room!

Well, as I was sitting there drinking my contrast and waiting for them to call me back, they called my name about 20 minutes early!  That never happens!  Thankfully I had started drinking the contrast when they first gave it to me instead of following the instructions on the bottle and starting it just an hour before the scan.  I still had probably about a third of a bottle left to drink but they took me back and put me in another little waiting room - I think they were surprised that I already had my port accessed so they didn't need to do an I.V. on me.  Then about a minute later they came and got me again and took me to the room for the scan.

Afterwards I went back to the clinic to have my port de-accessed and as I was waiting I really needed to use the bathroom (after drinking all of that distilled water), but I wanted to wait to hear if they needed a urine sample.  After the nurse was free I asked her and she said that yes I did need to give one.  So I hurried off to the bathroom and then went back to have my port de-accessed.  All in all it was a pretty routine scan and I will find out the results on Wednesday.

Just heard that a neighbor of mine passed away last night...  I am deeply saddened and don't even know what I feel at this moment.  I know that she has been struggling with life for the last little while.  My heart goes out to her children, especially the two youngest that have been good friends with my kids.

Trimmed the hair around my ears today.  It has been getting way too long around my ears and it keeps poofing out, especially when I wear sunglasses!  (Apparently poofing is not a word - at least according to blogger.)  I've been debating what to do with my hair.  I don't mind it being short, I just don't think that I will be able to keep it nice and trim if I keep it at this length.  I'm not the type of person who can/will take time out of my schedule every 6-8 weeks to get my hair done - that's just not my personality.  Maybe when my kids get older and I have more time on my hands (but then again maybe/probably not).  At this point though I think I need to trim a little here and there until the hair on the top of my head catches up with the hair around my face and the back of my neck.

Still have the weird rash on my arm.  Sometimes it really itches - especially at night.  I haven't been doing any work out in the yard and I can't think of anything that I have come in contact with that would cause this reaction on my arm.

I noticed a weird rash on the underside of my right forearm today.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my treatments, but I want to document it.

I've also had some annoying gum bleeding with my front top teeth.  Sometimes when I brush and then spit the toothpaste out, there is some blood in it and then I'll notice that the top gums are bleeding.  There have also been a couple of times where I'll just be going about my day and then I'll notice the taste of blood in my mouth and it is coming from those top gums again.

I all makes me wonder if these treatments I am doing are going to end up being worth it or if they are just causing more hidden problems that we'll find out down the road.  Where is the point when the risks outweigh the benefits??  That's what I'm struggling with right now...

Pretty routine infusion yesterday, if there is such a thing.  When I got there and seated (finally a better seat this time), the nurse who was accessing my port asked if she could show it to the student nurse that was working with her.  She had never seen a port before and I said that I didn't mind at all.  The nurse then talked to the student a little about ports and then showed her the procedure for accessing it.  When she was finished the student asked me if it hurt at all.  I told her that it really didn't feel any worse than having the needle put in when you have blood drawn from an arm vein.  I guess that the needle is a little bit thicker, but once it is in I really don't feel much at all.  The nurse then said that some people use the lidocaine cream and I said that I have had some skin reactions to it so I don't use it anymore.  I also haven't really noticed much difference from when I used it those few times to not using it.

After that the nurse for my infusion came and asked me how I was feeling and then a series of questions about side-effects.  I responded no to all of them and she said, "Well, you're boring, aren't you?  But that's okay, we like boring."  My wait for the avastin wasn't too long today so I was in and out in a relatively short time, which is fine with me!

I think that one thing that my cancer diagnosis has taught me is that we need to be careful what we say to people and to not make assumptions just based on one's appearance.  I've had a couple of instances over the last several months that have really struck the wrong chord with me and I know that I need to just take it in stride and recognize the fact that people don't always know the whole story. Our church building is frustrating at times because sometimes it is super cold there and sometimes it seems really warm.  Twice over the last few months I have been in the church building and have commented to someone about how cold I think it is, only to have the person respond back to me that they think it is warm and that I'll understand more when I get older like them.  Well, guess what?  Even though I am/look young, I have gone through a surgically induced menopause - a total hysterectomy.  And yes I have hot flashes and did quite often until I found something that works for me to combat the menopause symptoms.  So on the one hand I'm a little irritated that people just presume that what they are going through I can't possibly be going through as well and on the other hand I'm grateful that I've found something that works for me so that I very rarely have hot flashes anymore.

I need to make a post about a side effect that I have had before I forget the details.  I've been hesitant to write about it for some reason, but several months ago I started having quite a bit of pain on the bottoms of my feet.  Usually it would only hurt when I first got up in the morning or if I had been sitting down for a long time in the same position.  At first I thought that it was just aches and pains from getting older, but when I mentioned it to my doctor the last time I saw her she said that it could be a residual effect still from the paclitaxol.  Then just the next day or so after mentioning it to my doctor, it went away and I haven't really had the pain since then.  For the longest time though I  was feeling like an old lady whenever I got up to walk anywhere and it was really annoying!!

I've had some comments made to me lately that I haven't been sure how to respond to.  I have run into several people over the last few weeks who have not recognized me at first because of my short hair.  They have then gone on to make comments about my hair and asking if I like it that length and asking when I cut it.  Sometimes I just keep my answers short so that I don't have to mention my cancer, but I have a hard time not telling the truth when I respond.  Truthfully I did not cut my hair, it fell out for the most part.  (Although I guess technically we did shave it so that we wouldn't have to find hair all over the house and my pillow.)  Yes I am fine with my hair the length that it is at right now, but I don't think that I ever would have chosen this length on my own.  Just yesterday I had to show my driver's license to someone and their first comment when they saw it was, "Oh you had such pretty, long hair in your picture!"  I just said, "Thanks" and left it at that.

A couple of weeks ago our family attended a picnic put on by our orthodontist.  The manager for his office was there and her son and M&M were on a soccer team together a few seasons ago and they are also in our LDS Stake.  She hasn't seen me since my diagnosis and she made some comments about my hair and was asking when I cut it.  I decided that I didn't mind telling her (since no one in that office has known up to this point) so I mentioned that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last October and she was completely blown away.  She wasn't sure how to respond and felt embarassed for asking the questions that she had asked (even though at this point there is really no way for people to know by looking at me that I have had cancer).  I kept telling her that she was fine and that I would not have shared with her if I didn't want her to know.  We then got on a discussion about how I found it and what treatments I am going through.  It was a little awkward at first, but I am slowly getting better at talking about the cancer.  I still get a little emotional, but after the first little bit I am composed enough to be able to talk about it reasonably well.

Got a call from one of the nurses at the Huntsman clinic today.  I was a little nervous when she said that my doctor had asked her to call me.  Then she went on to say that she was calling with my CA-125 blood test results.  Then I thought, "Uh-oh.  It must be bad news if they are calling me with the results."  Well she went on to say that my number had been 22 back in June with my last test and that yesterday the number was down to 20!  (Which is totally good news that it is still going down, but I was thrown off by the call because they have not been consistently calling me with the results...)

Dr's appt at Huntsman today.  It still feels weird to only come up here to the Huntsman Cancer Institute every 3 weeks and to only meet with my doctor every 6 weeks!  Today while I was having my port accessed and blood taken for my labs, the nurse mentioned to me a fundraiser run that is coming up in September, specifically for Ovarian Cancer (and other gynecological cancers).  Another nurse went out and got me a flier about it.  It will take place on September 8 in downtown Salt Lake.  I found out some more information about it online.  Now I need to decide if it would be worth it for me to go and take some of my family with me or do I need to be at my kids' soccer games that morning.  (I am helping to coach my son's team this year and then our 7 year old is playing for the first time.)

Afterwards I met with the doctor and things are looking good for me, so I keep telling people that we are at the wait and see phase - which is a hard stage to be at.  Everyone is amazed that I am not taking medications for anything, but I'm not sure what they expect me to be taking.  I asked the doctor today if she would recommend that I take anything and she just said I could take just a standard over-the-counter multivitamin if I wanted and she also said that she usually recommends women take calcium tablets with vitamin D in it.  Maybe I'll take a look and pick some up next time I'm at the grocery store.

I got another winner of a seat today in the infusion room...  In the far corner once again with a great view of the cinderblock wall outside. ;)  When I checked-in for my infusion they told me that they were behind and the wait would be about a half hour - just to get in the infusion room.  After they finally called me into the infusion room it was quicker than it has been the last few times I have been there.  They took my blood pressure and then maybe 20-30 minutes after I got in there they had me hooked up to the Avastin.

Met with my surgeon last week (Aug 7).  I am feeling fine and everything checked out fine with my appointment.  She asked me how long I was going to be on the Avastin and I told her that the Huntsman team said that I will be on it indefinitely.  The way she asked me though I was curious what she thought about the drug, so I asked her.  She said that since I was sooo young she thinks that it might help to give me an extra edge to keep the cancer at bay.  She said that if she were in my position she would probably do it as well.  Right now since I haven't had any noticeable side-effects I think we will carry on with the Avastin.

Picture updates of my hair:

This first one is with my hair standing straight up after my shower.  I wanted to show this one because you can't tell how long my hair is after I put mousse in it and force it to lay down on my head.

I have quite the bed head in the morning when I get up.  This morning my son saw my hair after I got out of bed and he said, "Whoa Mom!  You're hair's getting really long!"  I'll try and get a picture of it one of these mornings.

So here are some advantages to having very short hair:

- I haven't had to use a brush in a LONG time.
- You save money on shampoo and conditioner.
- Hair dries almost instantly after showering or swimming.
- Hair never gets in your eyes.

My hair is at a length now where I'm not sure what to do with the hair around my ears.  If I was going to keep my hair at this length then I would just trim it around my ears but I think I still want it to grow out more so I am hesitant to do much cutting.  Right now I try and get the very front hair to come down the side of my face and then I try and sculpt the rest of the hair around and behind my ears.  The problem comes when I wear my sunglasses because it moves the front hair back as well and then it looks funny and sticks out to the side.  It's so funny how there are different problems at different lengths!  At least at this length I don't have to worry so much about my scalp and ears getting sunburned!

I have a little bit of a headache today but not as bad as I have had after some of my treatments.  I've been trying to drink more water because I'm wondering if some of my headaches are being caused by dehydration in addition to the Avastin.  I had my vision act weird today again.  I was driving home from dropping my daughter off somewhere and my vision started going kind of blurry.  Once I got home I laid down for a little bit and tried closing my eyes some.  It finally cleared up after a little while but it is quite disconcerting.  I'm not sure if it is caused by not getting enough sleep or if it is a side effect of the Avastin...

On Wednesday I had another Avastin infusion.  My last 3 weeks have been crazy again and there hasn't been a lot to blog about on this blog.  I pretty much feel just fine all of the time.  My feet for some reason feel a little sore when I first get up in the morning, but usually after a few minutes of walking around they feel fine again.  Sometimes when I am sitting in one position for a while I am a little stiff when I get up, but I'm not sure if that is just old age :) or a longer term side-effect of the chemo.

Wednesday was the first day of school for my elementary school kids.  At first they had my treatment scheduled for the afternoon, but I wanted it early so that I could be sure to be home when the kids got home.  I decided it might be nice to take M&M with me to one of my infusions before school starts for her so that she can see what it is like.  Technically visitors are supposed to be at least 14 years old, but I figured she was close enough since her birthday is in just a couple more days.  And I knew that she wouldn't be a distraction to anyone there.  The only problem was what to do with my younger two kids.  At first we thought that DH could just work from home but he had a dentist appointment the following day so we weren't sure if he should miss both days.  After talking with my parents we worked it out so that DH could drop the two little ones at their house on his way to work and then I would pick them up afterwards.

My appointment was for 9:30 a.m. and we got there right on time.  After getting called back into the infusion room they accessed my port and then we sat waiting and waiting and waiting...  And unfortunately we had probably the worst seat in the room.  We were all the way on the far end and all we could see out the window was a little part of the sky and a brick wall.  We decided to turn the T.V. on and found a soccer match - the U.S. Women vs France - for one of the Olympic qualifying rounds.  At one point I asked my nurse what was taking so long and she said that unfortunately because of the holiday the day before (Pioneer Day), they were a lot more busy than usual.  She said that they were open on Tuesday for Pioneer Day, but they had a total of about 14 patients for the whole day.  Most people rescheduled for either the day before or the day after.

Finally around 11:20(!) the nurse brought the Avastin to me and hooked me up to it.  We got out of there around noon.  I took M&M upstairs to show her around the building a little.  Then we went down to our car and drove to my parents' house to pick up Kay and MJ.  We stopped at McDonald's on the way there to pick up some lunch.  I'm glad that M&M was able to come and share the experience with me before she starts into a crazy schedule of marching band and school!

Okay, here are some updated pictures of me.  For a while I was only wearing my wig to church and would wear a hat most other places (or go without anything on my head).  June 17 was the first time I went to church bareheaded since I started losing my hair in November.  It felt good and weird at the same time.  I much prefer not having to wear anything and I think I look alright with my hair the length it is right now.  It has been weird trying to make out the color of my hair.  At times it looks like it has a frosty look to it - but I'm thinking that is a combination of some silver and blonde hairs that are coming in along with the brown.  I am at the point now where I need to put some mousse or gel in my hair or it has a fuzzy look to it.  Other than that it is really low maintenance!

Fuzzy hair right after a shower:

With a little bit of mousse in it:

I have been a little nervous for my appointment today and had a hard time falling asleep last night because of it. It has taken a couple of days for my bowels to feel back to normal after the barium drink from my CT scan.  M&M left for camp this morning so my mom came over to watch the kids for me.  I showed up at my appointment and when the nurse practitioner came in to talk to me she started out by saying that they had the results from my CT scan and there was something weird on it that they are not sure what to make of.  On the scan there is a small nodule looking thing on one of my adrenal glands (which are on the top of the kidneys).  It is only about 1 1/2 cm in size.  She said that they don't think it is related to the cancer at all because that is not a normal place for the cancer to reappear and my CA-125 marker number has actually decreased again since my last blood work (it is now at 22).  She said that they would bring the scan up on the computer and have the doctor look through it with me to show me what they are talking about.

Once the nurse practitioner finished up my exam she left and then came back a few minutes later with the doctor.  She pulled up my CT scan on the computer and showed me the nodule that they are seeing in the scan and then she went back through my previous scans to see if she could spot it in the previous scans.  It was hard to tell on my scan that I had in March, but on my scan in December and my first scan back in October the doctor thought that she could see the exact same nodule in the same spot in each of the scans.  The radiologist just checked my current scan with the one in March and since he/she didn't see this nodule in the scan marked it as something new.  My doctor said that she would call the radiology department and have them look through the scans with her to make sure that she was seeing what she thought she was.  If this is something that has been there for a while and hasn't changed at all then it is not something new that we need to worry about.  Other than that my CT scan looked fine and all of my lab work was normal.

So after meeting with the doctor I went over to the infusion lab.  Once they called me back to get me seated the nurse came and told me that the doctor was on the phone and wanted to talk to me.  She said that she had talked to the radiology department and that they agreed with her that this nodule was on the previous scans and they just hadn't noticed it before.  They will just keep an eye on it with future scans but we feel that it is not cancer related.  And apparently it is too small to get a good picture on with an MRI so we are just not going to worry about it.

Other than that my infusion went very smoothly and I didn't get the headache with it that I got the last time which was nice!

I had my CT scan today (the day after returning from being out of town for almost 2 weeks). Things have been super busy trying to unpack and get things cleaned up from the trip. Plus it doesn't help that we got in late last night and I am just super tired from everything that we did! I was getting ready to eat a late lunch this afternoon when I happened to glance at the instructions for my CT scan and it said not to eat or drink anything 3 hours prior to my scan. Well, at that point I was within that 3 hour time span so I had to wait until after my scan to eat anything. I also had to drink the wonderful barium solution and it was starting to make me feel a little nauseous at the end since I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast this morning. I ended up having to wait an extra half hour for my scan because they were having a hard time getting an IV into the patient they were scanning right before me. I decided to post a comment to my facebook page about having to wait and having an empty stomach and I got so many comments from concerned people about my scan and hoping that things turned out well with it. I honestly wasn't nervous at all for my scan until I read all of those comments and got to thinking about what results they might find in the scan. Now I have to wait until Monday to find out what those results actually are. This was just a standard abdominal/chest CT scan that I will have done every 3 months to hopefully catch any cancer early if it decides to grow back. After the scan was over and I was on my way home I ate a few snacks that I had taken with me. Once I got home though I started feeling a little sick and ended up having to run to the bathroom with some diahrrea. I think that this is just a side effect to the barium drink. I was told that there is something else I can take in place of it so I'll have to ask about that before my next scan.

Sorry that I have been MIA lately. The month of June was totally crazy for our family! I just realized that my last post was on the day of my last infusion so I want to mention that just briefly. June 6th I had an Avastin infusion and it was pretty uneventful. It was the last day of school for my elementary school kids, but my oldest daughter was already out of school so she babysat the younger two for me. I got home just a few minutes after the kids got home from school. The infusion took longer than I had planned (again)... It seems to take longer and longer each time just for them to get my infusion medication from the pharmacy. Once they finally get that things go pretty quickly. I didn't even need any labs last time but I still had to wait almost an hour before they finally got the Avastin for the infusion... I have been noticing a headache during the infusion time and it usually sticks around for about a day. After the infusion I had to go up to the radiology lab to pick up my yummy barium drink for my CT scan that will take place on June 29th.

I hope that no one has been worried about me! I just haven't had a lot of free time lately to do much blogging! The school year is coming to an end today and things have been crazy between end of the year school activities and the swimming lessons that I have had the kids in. I have been feeling just fine lately and have been able to do just about anything that I want to. Just to give you an idea: Yesterday I went on a zoo field trip with my 1st grader (and took along my oldest and two youngest kids). As soon as we got home I dropped off M&M and Kay and MJ and left again to drive to the school for my 3rd grader's class awards program. Then after we had dinner that evening I went outside and mowed the front and back lawns in just over an hour (and it is a push mower, not a self-propelled mower). I think that that is the quickest I have ever mowed the whole yard! I thought that I might be sore today from everything I did yesterday, but I feel just fine.

Things have also been crazy because we are making plans for some trips and family visits coming up this summer and some of those events are almost upon us!! It is definitely going to be a fun, eventful summer!

I had dinner at my parents' house this evening and my younger sister and her family were there as well.  My younger sister is also positive for the BRCA-1 mutation gene and has some difficult choices ahead of her.  She said that her OB/GYN wants her to decide now how many kids she wants so that as soon as she is done they can remove her ovaries (they recommend it be done at age 35).  She just had her second child in November and will be 34 in August.  I told her that looking back I don't know that there is anything that I would have done differently or could have done differently.  I was 35 when I was diagnosed with my cancer!  I also felt very strongly before we had MJ that there was another spirit that needed to come into our family so I know that I was supposed to have her.  I also know several people with the BRCA-1 mutation who had their ovaries removed when they were much older than me and never developed ovarian cancer.  Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for my sister or anyone else in a similar position except to pray about it and do what feels right for you and your situation.  The unfortunate part about ovarian cancer, and the reason that it usually isn't detected until stage 3 or 4, is that there is no definitive test to diagnose it and there are no symptoms that are conclusive to it either.  We have no idea how long I had my tumors before we found them - sometimes the cancer is very fast growing.  My sister also knows a fellow nurse where she works that was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 20s but didn't want her ovaries removed because she still wanted to have kids.  I can't remember the details of what kind of treatment she received at the time but I know that they treated her and she kept at least one of her ovaries and went on to have a couple of kids.  She then had the cancer come back and I think at that time she had the ovaries removed and went through more chemo.

I stopped penciling in my eyebrows this week and haven't been wearing my wig as much.  I've started wearing some of my hats more often again.  I'm still a little hesitant to go out without anything on my head.  Maybe another week or two.  It's nice to not have to worry about my eyebrows anymore though!

My husband is out of town this weekend so I have been on my own with the kids.  Yesterday the weather cooled off a lot and I was feeling good so I mowed the front lawn in the afternoon while MJ was napping.  I thought that I might be sore today from the mowing but luckily I wasn't!  My kids had 2 soccer games back to back today so we spent a chunk of the late morning/afternoon at the games.  The weather was perfect for soccer but it turns out it was a little sunny too because I ended up with a slight sunburn on my right arm and so did Kay - not too bad though.  Luckily my hat covered my head, face and neck well so I didn't get burned there as well.

This afternoon I had my doctor's appointment, lab work and Avastin infusion at Huntsman.  My parents were out of town so we ended up just having DH stay home with the kids while I went by myself.  I knew ahead of time that we would have some conflicts and since I haven't really had any adverse reactions to the Avastin infusions we decided that this would be the easiest solution.  A couple of weeks ago I signed up my older kids for swim lessons, knowing that we might have a conflict this week.  I had to give DH quite a few instructions on how to go about getting the kids to their lessons and we discussed what he should do with the younger kids.  He ended up just dropping all 4 of the older kids off at the rec center and then went to a park that is adjacent to it for the younger kids to play at and then he stopped back to pick them up after the lessons were over.  I was hoping that I might make it back in time to pick up the kids from lessons so that DH could go home, but it didn't happen.

I ended up having a really good visit with my "team" at Huntsman.  It was a much more thorough visit than I have had the last couple of times which was nice.  They were able to answer some of the questions that I had and we discussed my next few treatments - and possible conflicts with an upcoming family vacation.  As a part of the study I am on, I will be having complete chest/abdominal CT scans every 3 months (at least for this first year).  I will be on the Avastin indefinitely.  The doctor told me that she would love to have me on it forever because that would mean that it is doing what they hope it will do and keeping the cancer away.  I am free to stop it at anytime if I want and I think that they can stop the study at anytime that they want as well.  So until either of those possibilities happen, I will be receiving the Avastin every 3 weeks.

Everyone at the clinic was commenting on my hair and how nice and evenly it is coming in.  Apparently with some people it comes in in patches.  My nurse practitioner also asked about my family and if I had any pictures of the kids.  They've never asked to see one before so I pulled some up on my ipad and told them the names and ages.

After the appointment I had my lab work drawn and then went over to the infusion center.  It took a while for them to call me back and then for some reason it took forever to get the Avastin again...  My infusion appointment was set for 3:30 but I don't think they started the infusion itself until around 4:30.  Once it started it went pretty quickly and I was home around 6:00.

I took the kids swimming again today during swimming lessons.  Wow that tires me out!  It's a lot of work looking after the kids on my own!  I'm glad for the second half hour of lessons when M&M and Luke can help me out with the younger two.  My whole upper body has just been sore, sore, sore lately!  Mostly my shoulders, upper arms and neck.  I'm wondering if it has to do with overcompensating for my abdomen muscles that are still healing.  Every night I when I go to bed I just feel so tense and it's sore sometimes to even lift my arms above my head.  Maybe it's also a result of taking the little ones swimming...

I have always been a fan of Elder Dallin H. Oaks of our LDS Quorum of the 12 Apostles. I recently picked up his newest book titled, "Life's Lessons Learned".  It is a relatively short book with short chapters on different things that he has learned throughout his life.  There were a couple of topics that particularly hit me that I want to share.

"Faith, no matter how strong it is, cannot produce a result contrary to the will of him whose power it is. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord." (page 8)

This says to me that no matter how badly you may want (or not want) something, no matter how much faith you have that something will come to pass, it is ultimately up to God. Elder Oaks even mentions when Christ was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane how he asked the Father to let the cup pass from him if it was his will. But ultimately God's will was fulfilled that Christ had to suffer there in the garden completely.

Here is another quote that I liked from the book and this one really identifies how I feel:

"Adversity is an occasional or even a constant companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. It is a reality - and indeed one of the purposes - of mortal life. What is important is how we react to it. Will our adversities bear us down, or will we go forward relying on the promise of God, who does not shield us from every adversity but who gives us the guidance and strength that makes it possible for us to endure and progress?

"Some people exploit their adversities to encourage others to look on them with pity and to place them in a special category that excuses nonperformance. Others, as father Lehi taught, accept their adversities and go forward, relying on God's blessings to help them do their best." (page 71)

This quote says to me that part of our test here on earth is to see how we will respond to adversities that are placed in our paths. I don't ever want to be seen as someone who just gave up and didn't endure her trials well. I know that the Lord will help to give me the strength to go through anything and I want my children to see that and know that they too can do hard things and have the faith to endure well.

Wow my new wig was itching my head today!!  I wore it for a couple of hours this morning while I was out and it was driving me crazy!  I almost just took it off, but I didn't have any hats with me to throw on my head.  Hopefully soon I will be at the point that I don't care anymore!

My eyebrows are about halfway back right now.  I still need to pencil in a few strands - mostly on the outer part of my brow.  It got me to thinking about how our eyebrows and other hairs like that know how to stop growing.  We typically don't see people with eyebrows or eyelashes or arm hair for that matter that is really long.  How do those hairs know to only grow to a certain point?  Or do they fall out and get replaced when they reach a certain length?  They certainly are different from the hair on our heads for some reason...

Here are some pictures taken of me this morning.  I have not penciled any eyebrows in at this point so you can see what I have now, plus the hair that is growing in on top of my head:

I have an update to add to Tuesday's post that I will cut and paste at a later date.  On Tuesday while I was preparing dinner (and trying to decide whether or not to go to our Relief Society activity), the vision in my left eye went kind of weird - like I all of a sudden had something partially blocking my view or it was blurry.  I couldn't even describe what it was like.  I wasn't too concerned at first but thought that if it continued I would stay home from the activity.  About 15 minutes or so later while I was finishing up my dinner my eye finally went back to normal and I haven't had any problems since.  I just want to document the issue in case it ever comes back (and I think I experienced it once before a few months ago).

I have not blogged a lot about anything to do with religion and my beliefs, but at this point I think that I need to explain some of what I believe as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS or Mormon).

Many people are still amazed with how well I seem to be doing and how I have dealt with this trial of cancer so far. While it is definitely not something that I ever expected to go through at this age, I strongly believe that my family and I are going through this trial for a reason and that we will be stronger because of it.

President Henry B. Eyring of our LDS leadership gave an excellent talk in the last General Conference, that is now entitled "Mountains to Climb", which expresses a lot of how I feel. He mentions the importance of having a "foundation of faith" that will help sustain us through our trials. Here is a quote from his talk that expresses how I feel, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."

I strongly believe that the Lord gives us our specific trials for specific reasons and that if we endure them well, our faith will be strengthened and we will be blessed. That does not mean that the trials will always end how we would like them to or that they will be removed from us. The Lord's ways are higher than ours and He knows the beginning and the end. I know that He will help me and my family to get through this trial, whatever the outcome may be, and that He will always be there to help lift and support me and anyone who asks for His help.

Sometimes I think that people don't believe me when I say that I am doing fine, but that is the truth. I may not like what I am having to go through right now, but I feel at peace with it and that is enough for me. For me that means that I will carry on as best as I can everyday that is given to me. I have been blessed in so many ways that there is no way I could be angry with God.  We will always be in His debt.

On Sunday I was watching a show with the kids and it quotes one of the Psalms in the Bible which really hit me this time around. It is Psalm 23:

"1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." (Old Testament, Psalms, Psalm 23)

How many times have I heard this psalm either through reading it or through song and it hasn't hit me before like this time that I heard it? To me this passage of scripture means that the Lord will always be there for me. When I follow Him down the paths of righteousness He will be there to guide me and to strengthen me. Because of this, there is nothing to fear! I will always be blessed for doing what is right! That is the promise we are given. (And no that doesn't mean that the blessing will always be immediate. Sometimes we have to wait for it, but we are promised that blessings will come.)

Well, I decided to go swimming with the kids yesterday.  That means that I went out into public with nothing on my head!  I felt a little self-conscious, especially since my port and the scar above my port was not covered up at all by my swimsuit.  It's nice though to have the kids with me to focus my attention on instead of what other people might think of how I look.  It was also pretty exhausting trying to stay close to both of the little ones the whole time.  We'll probably be making this a regular thing as long as the older kids have lessons through the end of the month.

I've been trying to put together a blog post for some time and I'm getting close to posting it. I think I will divide it up into parts though because it is pretty long and I know when I am faced with reading a long blog post or article, I usually end up just skimming it and don't feel I have the time to spend reading the whole thing thoroughly. So here is the first part of what I would like to post. Stay tuned for more entries!

I have always been a happy person as far back as I can remember. I don't think I have ever been depressed. I have had down days of course but I don't think I would ever call it depression. I don't bear grudges for very long and am not offended very easily. I am always laughing at myself and sometimes it drives my husband crazy at how easily I laugh at the mistakes that I make. I feel that life is too short to get angry at myself for mistakes that we all make because we are human. Quite often I will appear angry to my kids and then turn my head and smile or laugh because I am just appearing angry to get them to do something. I think that my attitude towards life has helped me a lot throughout this trial of cancer that I am going through. I loved President Hinckley and how happy he always was and that he was always cracking jokes. He is one of my heroes and I hope I can always emulate his attitude towards life.

When I was hospitalized for several days following my surgery I had the opportunity to interact with many different nurses and healthcare workers. I will always remember one of the nurses that took care of me one night. I think it was Friday night (my 3rd night there). I had two night nurses that were very interested in talking with me and hearing my story - how I discovered the cancer and the treatments that I had been through up to that point. One of the nurses after she heard my story asked me a question that made me stop and think. She asked, "How can you be so happy and still laugh after all you have been through?" I didn't realize until she asked me that question that I really am a happy person and that I love life, no matter what gets thrown at me. I have thought about that question a lot since that night and I hope to answer that question a little over some of the next posts that I write.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

To swim or not to swim, that is the question! I signed up the older 4 kids for swimming lessons and they started on Monday. The oldest two have their lessons first for a half hour and then the middle two kids have their turn. I knew that it would be difficult sitting on the side of the pool with the two youngest kids, trying to entertain them and keep them out of the pool. I had quite the time at their first lesson and am debating now if I should just pay for me and Kay to use the pool and then let the younger two get in the water. The problem is that I definitely can't wear my wig in the pool and I think it would look weird if I were to wear a hat in an indoor pool! The other kids can swim before and after their lessons for free and MJ would be free because she is under 4. Kay is kind of bummed that I didn't sign her up for lessons so maybe in the fall I will look into putting her in some lessons while the other kids are in school.

Tonight I went to our Relief Society activity. I really debated whether I wanted to go or not. I haven't been to many Relief Society activities since I was diagnosed with cancer and I think it is because I don't want people making a big deal of me showing up and singling me out among the group. I finally decided at the last minute to go and I had a good time talking with some people that I haven't interacted with much lately. I'm glad that I made the decision to go. We have a lot of neat sisters in our ward.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Last Thursday I went to the dentist for the first time since my diagnosis of cancer. They advise you to avoid the dentist if possible during chemo treatments because of the added risk of infection with any dental work. This was just a routine cleaning, but my Huntsman doctor also wanted the dentist to be aware of the Avastin treatment that I am on and the increased risk of osteoneucrosis of the jaw. He made sure that they took x-rays so that he could look at the bone but he didn't seem too concerned with me developing the problem. He said that it is a problem that usually doesn't show itself unless some kind of dental surgery or tooth extraction has taken place and then for some reason the bone just doesn't heal. He said that I just need to be extra careful of my teeth and gums and make sure that I continue to brush and floss regularly so that we don't have to worry about any type of dental work in the near future. He said that if I do need any kind of work done, such as an extraction, that he would send me to a dental surgeon to make sure that I get the best, specialized care possible.

I wore my new wig to church on Sunday. This was the first time that I have worn the shorter wig to something where a lot of people that know me would see me. I got a lot of compliments on it and I think it will make the transition to my real hair a little easier and less drastic of a change. There was even someone who asked if I had gotten my hair cut and colored! I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that so I just said that I got a new hairdo... I also had a couple of people who said that at first they thought that I had just cut and restyled my original wig.

Today I put my shorter wig on to go somewhere and Kay told me that she wanted me to wear the other one because the hair was longer and prettier! I'm not sure how to respond to that! Some girls interpret longer hair as prettier hair, so maybe she is just expressing that feeling. I think I will stick with the shorter wig because it is a little cooler to wear since it is shorter and I don't want to be changing my hairstyle every couple of days. I am a little more nervous wearing it though because it is shorter and I need to pay special attention to making sure it is on correctly and that the hair is laying flaton my head. It also doesn't have ear tags that pull down in front of my ears so it is harder to tell if it is on straight.

And can I just say that it is hard putting sunglasses on when you are wearing a wig!! I have to use two hands to make sure that I get the sides on top of the wig, over my ears and that I pull some of the wig hair down over the sunglasses frame.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I have quite a bit to catch up on so here goes.  My Avastin infusion on April 25th was a lot quicker than the last time I went in.  This time they didn't need to do any lab work first.  One of the nurses accessed my port and then they just had to take my blood pressure and temperature and then they sent to the pharmacy for my Avastin.  It took some waiting before we finally got the drug from the pharmacy, but once they started it, it was a 30 minute infusion followed by some flushing with saline solution.  Then they de-accessed my port and we were on our way home - about 2 hours total.  My dad came with me again and my mom watched MJ and Kay for me.

On Tuesday I had an appointment with my surgeon.  The nurse-practitioner did most of the exam and then the surgeon came in to visit for a few minutes before we left.  They both think that I am looking really good and everything looks and feels normal to them.  I asked the surgeon if I am considered in remission now and she said that technically, no.  To be considered in remission you need to be free from any cancer that they can detect for 2 years.  If the cancer is going to come back, the chances are greatest that it will come back in the first year or two.  She said that after that we can begin to breathe a little easier.  Then if I make it to the 5 year mark I would be considered cancer-free because the chance of it coming back after that point is very, very rare.  So now I have some goals to reach for because I am going to do anything I can to beat this cancer!  The surgeon said that the CA-125 blood marker will be a good, reliable test for me to monitor if the cancer is coming back.  (The CA-125 count from my latest lab work was 21.)  I also need to watch for any warning signs, mostly in my abdomen area - persistent pain or discomfort that doesn't go away or a bloating feeling that doesn't go away.  If the cancer does come back, it will most likely come back in the abdomen area.  She did tell us of 2 women that she just saw recently that she had treated about 4 and 5 years ago for Stage 4 ovarian cancer and both of them are still cancer free.  She said that both of them had the cancer a little more widespread than me and up into the fluid in the lungs before treatment.  It's good to hear about cases like that because success stories are hard to find...

My hair is pretty fuzzy now and I am almost to the point where I would feel okay walking around with nothing on my head.  My husband is always laughing at me because I love to run my hand over my head.  I've switched to my shorter hair wig and I'm trying to get a good feel for it.  I've already clipped the bangs a little in the front because they were hanging down in my eyes and driving me crazy.  The only problem with doing that is that that hair will not grow back so I was hesitant at first and then very cautious in how much I cut off.  I am debating cutting a little more but I will wait a few days and see if it is still bugging me.  I noticed last night that my eyelashes are almost fully grown back.  The only hair that seems hesitant to come back are my eyebrows, so I keep penciling them in for the time being.